Moving Past Writing Blocks with Motherscope Founder, Jackie Leonard
ABOUT THE EPISODE
As a way to wrap up 2021, I wanted to do a solo episode to highlight a few things happening with Motherscope. Then, I’m sharing something that has been on my mind lately - struggling with mental blocks on certain tasks, even if it's something I really want to do. I've been wanting to do an episode about this topic for months now and have not been able to, and ironically, the way that I was able to unlock this and talk about it was through writing. Thank you so much for spending the past 13 weeks with me, I’m so excited to bring more perspectives to you in 2022.
TOPICS DISCUSSED
How writing can help you move past mental and productivity blocks you may be facing
Why we have to write even when don’t want to in order to create a habit of consistency
The positive impact that grief can have on your writing
Tangible ways to use writing to impact the current needs you have
Wins from 2021 and what’s to come for Motherscope and the podcast in 2022
RESOURCES MENTIONED
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Jackie Leonard 00:00
Hi, welcome to the podcast. This is a special episode where we have no guests. And I'm just talking to you directly. As a way to wrap up 2021, I wanted to do a solo episode to end the year to just highlight a few things that are going on with mother scope. And then also to talk about something that has been on my mind over the past few weeks. And the last few years, I've noticed with myself, if I have some sort of mental block with a task, even if it's something I really want to do, I physically cannot do it. Unless I've figured out what that block is. And I've been wanting to do an episode about this topic for months now and have not been able to And ironically, the way that I was able to unlock this and talk about it was through writing. So I'm going to share a little bit more about that in a few minutes. But first, because this is the last episode of 2021. And we are 12 episodes into the podcast, maybe 13. Now, I just really wanted to thank you for listening, your support has been so helpful for me doing this new, new thing. I've been wanting to do a podcast for a while. But I've had all these different reasons for not doing it. And one of the ones that I've figured out was just being a little nervous about putting my voice out there and opening myself up more to credit system. And even my own criticism listening to my voiceover has been a challenge and just doing it anyway, I've been so just blown away by the stories that the guests have shared so far. And there's already episodes that I've recorded for 2022 that are just so special. And that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't kind of overcome that mental barrier that I had in making this podcast happen. So that's been a big win for me in 2021. And, again, it's through your support and the support of those who've been sharing about it on social media and reaching out to me and letting me know how much you enjoy it. That fuels fuels me and helps me override any insecurities I have around this medium. And I appreciate you and thank you for your patience, if you know I say too many times, or there have been times that just dragged on or whatever. I thank you for your grace. And I hope you've been enjoying it as much as I have in putting it together. So thank you. One way you can continue to support this podcast is if you have Apple podcasts, there's a feature where you can write a review, there's a way you can do a like a quick five star review. Or you can type in a little you know, blurb about what you enjoy about the podcast and I would so appreciate that. I think it does help with the the metrics to have more people see it through searches. And the more reviews you get the the higher likelihood that is that somebody who searches for motherhood, podcasts or stories for women will be able to find the mother scope podcast more easily. And that is my mission is to get these stories heard by more and more mothers out there in the world. I struggle a bit with self promotion, but it's really important to me that I also highlight that mother scopes fourth issue title generations which is a print magazine, that is a collection of stories, poetry, interviews, artwork, photography, it is available for order now on our website, you go to Mother scope, comm click shop and you'll see the generations issue. It's got
Jackie Leonard 03:57
it just packed with such such powerful stories and imagery. And I always say these magazine issues are a labor of love. And this one is no different but it's definitely worth the work and the weight. I am hoping it will be shipped out to those who order it in the next couple of weeks production and you know, shipping delays, permitting. But it will be just such a treat for you if you've been enjoying these interviews and the stories you've heard. It's more of the same. And and more. I'll read the little blurb that I have on the website just for you to get an idea. The words within generations weave together a sampling of our collective humanity. The art housed in this book harmonizes past, present and future. The interviews introduce you to four women who are making an impact that will benefit generations to come. This shoe. This issue is part heirloom part time capsule, evidence of pain and healing evidence of growth and love community and bodies on the page. It is timeless and unfinished. So go on the website and check it out, I really encourage you to to order it and support the writers and mothers scope further through this magazine issue, our fifth issue, we'll see when that one comes out I'm hoping for around Mother's Day 2022. And that theme is postpartum, which is also going to be a really special topic to send her the stories around. So that takes care of all my updates and housekeeping for you. Though, oh, you know what I just thought of one more thing. This, like I said, is the last episode for 2021. So that means for the next couple of weeks, there will be no new episodes, I encourage you if you're new to listening to this podcast, or haven't listened to them all to go back. And be sure to check out any ones that you've missed, because they are also special in their own way. So the subject for this solo episode that I wanted to spend a little bit of time talking about at the end of the year, is I had the title in my head when I was thinking about it was like grief on the page. And it's been a tough year for I think it's fair to say for everyone in different ways, there's been a lot of challenges and changes and more uncertainty that carried over from 2020. I, I'm just using that generalization anecdotally, because I feel like anyone I've talked to, through the podcast or personally has just reflected back to me that they're in a tough season, or just have had a lot of different things happen. Tragedy and changes, like I said, that have kind of rocked this year. And there's so much talk last year about how 2020 was such a difficult year, I think in some ways. For me 2021 was an even harder year, it doesn't mean that it was I would I wouldn't like label it a bad year, or, you know, worst year or whatever you want to call it. But but it definitely had a lot of challenges and a lot of highs with a lot of lows. So it felt like a roller coaster bit. And even during the quiet times, there was a lot of things that I felt like I was processing, that I hadn't had time to maybe from 2020 A year before that were coming up for me. And for anyone who has been hit extra hard and is grieving right now this time of year can be extra heavy. And it's this time of year, the holidays has been one that I've struggled with, especially in recent years, maybe since becoming a mom, it's been just one that's felt more raw. It's been more beautiful in some ways, but also just a lot of mixed feelings around it as well. And so when I thought of the title grief on the page, I was mostly thinking about how writing can help and also be something that we have a hard time accessing when we're in a period of grief. And that speaks to me a lot, especially personally, because I think in the past few months now, I'd say at least three months, I have not written much of anything, if at all,
Jackie Leonard 08:36
in a way that I would qualify writing, right. So back in August, I wrote a little something for my son's fourth birthday. And since then I hadn't really written anything even like journaling, I don't think up until just a few days ago. And today I'm on day seven, of writing consistently. And I've I've told myself that what I'm going to do, and we'll see how well I hold that up but is to write daily for the next 10 weeks. And the reason why I want to do that as I'm trying to track. It's almost like a science experiment. I'm trying to track how the creativity is tapped into when you first just start focusing on writing for the sake of writing. So really, I'm I'm taking my own medicine, I'm practicing what I preach. I talked so much about the importance of writing to flex your muscles because for anybody who is a more, who uses writing more, I don't know what am I trying to say? For people who consider themselves writers for people who you know publish stories or have a published book or you know, write regularly beyond just like diary and journaling? You You may relate to this, but you can't just not right for months on end, and then jump into the writing chair and, you know, crank out a high quality story, for example. So when I've taught writing workshops, I always really highlight that we need to write even when we don't want to, we need to write even when we don't know what we want to say, or have nothing really creative or inspiring to write about. Or if we're not working on a story, for example, it is still so important to use, the time that we have, and make time for writing. And so if you're listening, and you're just, you know, not even somebody who writes it or just likes to journal for, for other reasons, aside from you know, a creative outlet, and you might write, just to process to help you sleep or whatever it is still, I think, really important to try to do it consistently, because it really does kind of open up the pathways for, for the real stories to come out. I'm still kind of in the throes of just writing for the sake of writing, just kind of journaling, doing like a brain dump on the page. And I've highlighted and taking note of different benefits that I've already started to see that have nothing to do with, you know, the book that eventually I want to write or a story that I could publish, and have everything to do with my mental state and also just my ability to access grief that was still inside me, but that I was very much trying to push through without facing, if that makes sense. So I guess to start, I, I do want to just take note and share that. Back in September, shortly after we moved out of California and into our new home in Oregon. I learned through Facebook, actually, which is such a weird way to learn about this. I learned that a very close friend and mentor of mine, a former professor had passed away. And it was unexpected and sudden and I felt very disconnected from it, especially because geographically I was no longer in Southern California. And also because I hadn't been able to talk to her see her in a few years, mostly due to the pandemic, but also just because that's what happens, right? We lose track of people and and motherhood has a way of doing that as well. But I was just got it when I saw the news and just realized in in, in knowing that she was no longer here, how much of an impact she had on me as a writer, and how much she encouraged my creativity and saw things about me as a writer that I never had seen before. She was my unofficial third reader for my manuscript out of grad school. She was a poetry professor and I was actually a fiction writer. So technically, that was kind of an odd thing to have a poetry professor who read your writing as a fiction writer that she took that on, because she now knew I needed some extra support, to get quality feedback. And, and she took that on. And
Jackie Leonard 13:33
you know, even aside from that, she was just somebody who I really did look up to but also had a friendship that I valued. And so anyway, I'm getting choked up even thinking about her again, as I talked about this. But I wanted to note this because while 2020 was such a time of grief for all of us, and like I said in different ways, but for me too, and 2021 has had its own share of grief as an undercurrent. Fresh grief or grief, because of a sudden loss is also a new beast. And I've had other losses this year that I'm also holding and that feel tender. But I realized that the different levels, the different layers of grief, can really stifle and shut down our ability to express ourselves, at least for me, and so I noticed after that loss and just so many changes and so many things that that I didn't have time to really feel or process and mourn in the way that maybe we normally would Maybe it's because I'm also a mother to young, young children that it's been hard for me to mentally just even give give myself that space. I noticed that I couldn't write even when I wanted to. After she passed away, I remember thinking about how, after another loss when I lost my dog, when we had to put her down three weeks before I gave birth to my first son, I was just like, doubled over. So sad. And in that moment, I really had to sit down and write, I sat down. And what I wrote was so raw, and so tender, but at the same time, I've read back over it years later, and just so appreciate that, I was able to do that. And I think at the time, I needed to do that. And so I remember, when I heard that Julie passed away, I wanted to do that, again, I was like I need to sit down and write, I need to feel this. And I just couldn't. It was just I was just so shut down that I couldn't sit down and write. And a little over a month later, we attended a celebration of life for her. And I thought, okay, I was able to cry with people who knew her, I was able to kind of have some sort of, you know, honoring of her memory. By attending this, this event. Now I can write, and I still couldn't write, it was still not coming. And it's been over a month since that time. And I've still struggled, right with sitting down and writing anything, let alone something that had to do with this specific loss or any other losses, to be honest. And what I noticed, actually was, there were two things that helped me, unblock myself. The first was actually going back to the ritual that I had set for myself years ago, which was very simple. But I had to push myself. And the ritual was after everyone goes to bed, before you can, you know, go on your phone or watch something or go to bed, you need to make yourself some tea and sit down and write. And this time I didn't do it. But in the past, I've told myself, like set the timer for five minutes if you really don't want to do it. And just right. And I did that. And to be honest, it was because I had an especially awful day and was kind of at the end of my rope and realized I need to just make myself do this. And so I did. And that was November 30. Today is December 7. And I've written consistently in this way since. And the only thing that really has kept me going to continue this practice is knowing
Jackie Leonard 18:16
that it's either a coincidence, or it's as a result of the writing that I feel 10 times better than I have this past week than I have in months. And the only thing that's really changed has been this writing practice. So again, I'm no expert, and I'm still in the throes of you know, what I would call a rebound from a long break of writing. But I will say that I've figured out that there are different types of writing that we can attempt to help solve different quote unquote, problems that we might be going through or blocks that we might have. Obviously, all of this comes in addition to any basic needs that that are, you know, not being met, or, you know, I'm a big proponent of therapies. So, you know, returning to therapy on a regular basis has also probably been very helpful in me being able to tap back into writing. So I want to just caveat that because I don't want to make it seem like it's something that is an isolation, but I do think that writing also can help without any of those things. I can be exhausted and have not been able to sleep well for four weeks, or I could be you know, just really avoidant and all these other ways. But if I can sit down and write a lot of times my own writing will help guide me to the things that I need the most first. So I think you can, you know, access writing in all sorts of different ways and all sorts of different situations. But I do think that the the holistic supports are needed to really help it be the most effective and help you arrive at a more creative place. So anyway, that's my disclaimer, but I wanted to give you some like kind of tangible ways that you can attempt writing for different needs that you might have. So the first one is if you are struggling with sleep, so this was a big one for me, if if I find that I'm like waking up a lot in the middle of the night, or not feeling rested in the morning, writing before bed, can actually really help me. And a lot of times that is especially true if I feel overwhelmed or like I have a lot of different things that I am worried about, that are not going to get done like tasks or to dues or just work that I really want to make sure is finished and I'm behind on that often is what is keeping me up at night. So my husband reminded me of this the other day. And instead of like a more free flow journaling, I just like, wrote out everything that I was worried about. And I slept so much better the next that night. And then the next day, I actually felt more focused in on what I was a priority and what I needed to do. So if you feel like you're having interrupted sleep at your own, you know, for your own doing like you know you're keeping yourself up at night versus you know, if a child is keeping you up at night, I don't know if this has the same effect. But I highly recommend journaling before bed and trying not to do anything else that's overstimulating afterwards. So journal before bed, and then try to go to bed or unwind in a relaxing way versus you know, journaling, and then going on your phone and getting stressed out. And that kind of journaling is really just like an unload. Try not to focus on what you're writing, don't overthink it, just kind of let anything out that needs to get out. If you feel like you are struggling with productivity, like you're finding that you start your days and are just not getting to work the way you want to, or you end the day and don't feel satisfied with what you've accomplished. I recommend trying morning pages, which is similar to night journaling. But instead in the morning, before you do anything in your day. And obviously this is however, you're able to if you're a mom with young kids, or have you know school drop offs and things like that, try to figure out the best way that works for you and your schedule. But sitting down and and just journaling whatever is on your mind, at the beginning of the morning
Jackie Leonard 22:56
is a really good way to clear your head so that you can make room for all the other things that are important that you need to get done that day. If you're not familiar, this is actually something that the writer Julia Cameron talks a lot about in the artists way. So that's where I first heard about morning pages. But really, the concept is, I think she has people write for like three whole pages every single day. I don't know if that would be practical for everyone. For me, it's just been a good way. Like I said, to help me be more productive when I feel like I sit down to work or do a task in the morning or at the start of the day. And I'm too distracted to get the things done that I need to get done. The last two types of writing I wanted to highlight have to do more specifically with loss and grief. The first one is I think if you are experiencing just deep pain, like for my example, like when we the the morning after we put my dog Delilah down, I was just my chest was so heavy, I was crying. It felt so intense, I needed to get it out in some way at the time I was pregnant. So I wanted to do it in a way that wasn't too stressful or harmful, obviously. And this kind of writing is hard. But also really special and important. And I don't know that we can always access it. But the way that has been the most effective for me when I'm in this this period of emotion is to sit down and write to that person or animal in my case as if you were talking to them. Again, it's really hard to do but I think once you get started It's extremely healing. And again can be something that later on, you can read back on, and tap into that emotion again, we're not always ready for that emotion. But when we want to feel, it can be really helpful. I've read back over what I wrote to my dog Delilah, and it makes me cry heavy every time. But I'm grateful for that. Because on the other side of loss, is an awareness of how much we have love, and how important the relationships we've had have meant to us, and how much we value the relationships that we've had in our lives. I just recently saw on a an article, the actor Andrew Garfield talked about grief because his mom passed away recently. And I just thought it was such a beautiful quote, I want to share it with you. He says, the grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other, no matter whether someone lives until 60, or 15, or 99. I hope this grief stays with me because it's all of the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her. And I told her every day, she was the best of us. I just loved this idea of unexpressed love, and how he hopes it that grief stays with him, because it's a reminder of the love that he was unable to express. Even though like you said he was able to tell her every day, it still wasn't enough. And and in this way, I think being able to write about write directly to the loved one can really help honor their memory, and also help you express some of that unexpressed love that you still need to, to continue to say, right. And I think this practice can also be applied to yourself, you can write to, you know, a former version of yourself that you are grieving, this time of year may bring up a memory that's really hard that reminds you of a difficult time in your life from childhood to present. And you can still apply what I shared about writing directly to that loved one, by writing to yourself as well. And then lastly, the final type of writing that I wanted to shine a light on is for anyone that feels like they are in a later stage of grief or a low level grief. And they find that they've been avoiding writing or just avoiding feeling or thinking about things, you might be noticing that you've kept yourself really busy, you're not slowing down, you're not able to rest.
Jackie Leonard 27:57
I think these are all signs of some kind of avoidance. In that case, the type of writing that I think is most effective to help you kind of push through this is sitting down and writing about how you are feeling directly. So this has been the way that I was able to kind of most unlock my writing block. When I sat down and wrote the past few nights, I focus first on how I was feeling. I didn't write about what specifically was bothering me, I didn't write about the people that I was sad about or had upset me or whatever it was that was was going on. I focused first on the feelings. And this required me to do a bit of a body scan. So I think the first thing I actually did was focus on my surroundings, my environment. So I would describe you know, it's really quiet in the house right now. And I'm sipping mint tea. It's cold outside, but I'm warm under this blanket. And then I would get into what I was feeling. I'm feeling you know, blank, I'm feeling uncomfortable. I'm feeling restless, I'm feeling relaxed, whatever it is that I was feeling and I just processed in that way. And I think even if you don't get into the nitty gritty of what's going on that sort of muscle practice that stretch of okay, I'm forcing myself now to think about how I'm feeling after a long period of avoiding that is a really great way to slow down and help your body and your brain started to reconnect with itself. So those are the four different types of writing that I have found to be really helpful for these four ailments. sleeplessness, lack of productivity, grieving, and avoidance. I hope you find this helpful. I wish you a wonderful end of the year and however you celebrate the holidays, and I will see you in 2022 for more conversations, more stories, and more writing. Instead of ending this episode with a writing prompt, I actually wanted to read an excerpt from my friend and mentor Julie Paegle’s, book 12 clocks. This is from the poem titled calling Calliope with a water clock. What in times long division split story into after and before a child's arrival of parents fall, a towers fall, arrival of war. The mother's Labor's move at the piece of stone to come into life is to become alone. And here, though meddling, I can't find the difference. Though observing stealth, can't find divide. When will I stop in times flow, stealing the future from the present? Even now, I thieve from my son's lives commonplace for parents. The days are long and the years fly by. Thank you, Julie. And thank you, the listener so much for being here. Until next time.