What You Should Know About Fostering with Kelsey Cichoski
ABOUT KELSEY
Today Kelsey Cichoski is on the show, her motherhood journey so far has consisted of being a foster mom to a group of siblings, losing her first baby, and then being diagnosed with cancer during her second pregnancy. Through these experiences she has found peace in writing and hopes that by sharing, you can find peace too. Today, Kelsey is sharing a special kind of love story that will inspire you to courageously lead your life from the heart.
TOPIC DISCUSSED
Kelsey’s story with foster parenting, reunification, and staying in touch
The similarities and differences between fostering and traditional motherhood
Kelsey’s biggest lessons learned from having a sibling group for just under a year
How being a teacher was the catalyst for Kelsey to choose fostering
What Kelsey wants others to know about fostering
Kelsey’s solicited motherhood advice
RESOURCES MENTIONED
THIS WEEK’S WRITING PROMPT
Tell the story of a time when you mothered or were mothered in an unconventional way.
ABOUT KELSEY
KELSEY CICHOSKI is a mom to a baby boy in heaven and a little girl on earth. She's a former teacher, former foster parent, and is navigating life after cancer and the many other twists of life that keep on coming. She currently resides in Idaho.
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Jackie Leonard 01:08
Hi, Kelsey, welcome to the podcast.
Kelsey Cichoski 01:11
Thank you.
Jackie Leonard 01:12
So Kelsey, can you share a little bit about yourself with those listening today? Sure.
Kelsey Cichoski 01:20
Um, we are in the process of moving right now, from Nevada to Idaho. And in Nevada, I was a teacher. And here in Idaho, I'm transitioning to a new job. And so I would say Currently, I'm in the midst of a lot of transition, new home new job figuring things out. That's what things look like for me right now.
Jackie Leonard 01:45
very relatable. And I don't know if you're going to continue into teaching, but I did a couple years of teaching, and I feel like that label has stayed with me, no matter what else I do. It's interesting how, like, becomes a part of your lifestyle?
Kelsey Cichoski 02:00
Oh, yeah, in everything I do. I'm like, I can't help it. I'm a teacher.
Jackie Leonard 02:05
So today, Kelsey, you're going to share a little bit about something that's the closest to your heart right now. And I'm going to give you the floor to share that story.
Kelsey Cichoski 02:16
Okay, I have had a recent experience that I definitely just keep replaying in my mind, because it was a very sweet thing to me. So we did foster care a couple of years ago, we had one sibling group in our home, they were in our home for just under a year. The siblings were a large range of ages. And after they were reunified with their family, we've tried our best to keep in touch through COVID. That's been a little bit difficult to because we had chosen not to see people for quite a time and their family had also chosen not to see people through COVID. So it wasn't until recently that we were finally able to connect in person again. And that was really exciting. I had made plans to meet up with them. And while we were talking the littlest one, the youngest had to use the bathroom. So I offered to take him. And the place we were at was very busy. So the bathroom was not nearby, it was quite a walk. And there were a lot of things to see along the way. And so the hallway there, he's pointing, look at this, look at this, Come, let's do this. And then, of course, he has grown a lot since he was in our home. So he was saying, Look what I can do now, watch this. And it was a very busy trip to the bathroom. And once in the bathroom, even he was so excited to show me his independence, he could wash his hands by himself. And he was done washing his hands. And in the midst of all this, look at this, watch what I can do. He says, Hey, remember when I was a part of your family, and I, it caught me off guard and I was like I do remember and I still miss you. And I still love you as a part of the family. And he was like, Okay, and then he just kept going on with Look at this. But through the time when they were in our home, I had so many thoughts of I just hope they remember that they were loved. Obviously foster here is so complex and can be really hard and different, difficult memories for each child and I knew there would be difficult memories for them through that time. And so in everything I did, I would try to tell myself, they just need to remember that they were loved while they were here. And so a couple years later like Being with them and wondering what their memories were. And if they were okay with this continued relationship, it was a confirmation that I didn't really know I would ever get from them to know that he did feel a part of the family that was really special to me. And of course in just the little, little kid weigh just a part of the conversation quick remember when I was a part of your family, but let me know that that's how he felt and how he remembered that time. So that is the story that's been close to my heart recently. And then I keep thinking of
Jackie Leonard 05:38
Wow, like, thank you for sharing that. I just don't know my heart just like kind of swelled every time. Like I've, I've read about it briefly in the email that you sent me before this and even hearing it again now. Like, I just like, feel my heart grow as I hear you share that story because I don't know little kids, you know, they, you know how, like, you described him kind of bouncing from subject to subject, and then they get like, really deep for like, you know, for a second and then they're right back on to something else. And yeah, you know, it's interesting how they're just so wise that way, and they like, perceptive that we sometimes forget that because they're talking about washing hands and, and cars and whatever else. But um, I'm curious how old was was he when he was with you? Because you said they were with you for nine months. So
Kelsey Cichoski 06:28
yeah, he was the youngest. So he was wanting to when he was with us, so he was really young. And that's part of probably why it did mean so much. I didn't know if he would have a lot of memories of it. And so to know that he still did remember, and it was an Okay, time for him was meaningful.
Jackie Leonard 06:51
And how old? Is he now or when you saw him? So good question I think for but yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's really, what was it like to be? I mean, I know you said that it was difficult to, like, maintain contact because of, obviously with COVID and everything, but Well, what did it feel like kind of leading up to that, that meeting in person? And just like, what were some of the things that were swirling in your head, you kind of alluded to, like not being sure how they were going to react. But like, what were some of the things that you were feeling leading up to it?
Kelsey Cichoski 07:31
Well, prior to meeting, I definitely think there were some nerves not knowing what to anticipate because of the dynamic of foster care, right. So I was the caretaker for a time, but I wasn't the caretaker before or after that, and I'm not their mom. And so I, I didn't want to go into it. As if I had done. I don't know as if I had taken them for a time from her if I had any judgment. From that time, I just wanted to make sure that it was a good experience for her too. And she, the family hadn't necessarily expressed. Like their specific thoughts about that time either. And so I knew that we were Welcome to continue to relationship. But I didn't know if she felt awkward. So I guess I was just nervous about making sure everyone was comfortable.
Jackie Leonard 08:33
And after having had that experience as a whole, or like, besides that special experience with the littlest child, what are some of your like takeaways from? Are you glad you like, did it? Was it something that you're still like, you know, processing?
Kelsey Cichoski 08:53
Oh, I'm definitely glad that we did it. And we're still in touch now. And we've talked about getting together again. And I think it's a blessing of foster care that I did not anticipate was that continued relationship that you can have with families, like we prepared for the kids in our home. And that's what I viewed it as, but I wasn't prepared for how good things have the potential to be afterwards, too, and seeing them grow and seeing them in a more positive environment than they were before is so rewarding. And it's awesome. I'm really, really happy and grateful that the family is allowing us to continue that relationship with them.
Jackie Leonard 09:34
Yeah. So much of motherhood is kind of this like there's no rule. There's no guidebook, there's no like, yeah, way to kind of know and I, I feel like fostering is probably like even more so because it's like, I mean, I just don't even I mean, I mean, I guess I'm an outsider, because it's not something that I do. So maybe there's more resources out there than I realized, but I imagine that maybe it's even more common. complex and confusing. What is my role as foster parents? And then how, what does it look like? And what do I even, you know, who am I, to this person once that ends? What have you draw from, during and after kind of to help you have any semblance of what to do or how to approach it? Well,
Kelsey Cichoski 10:21
it definitely is complex, because you're having a mothering experience with kids that are not what you typically think of when you think of becoming a mom, right. So when you think of becoming a mom, we think of children from infancy, typically. But when you become a foster parent, you're in a sudden motherhood role. But they're different ages, in our instance, we had a sibling group that was different ages, and so even their own understanding of the situation was very different because of the different ages they were. And so I think that was a big part of it, taking time to understand what each kid needed. And remembering that I'm not their mom. And something about foster care is that all the cases and situations are so unique and different. So sometimes the kids will be with you for a really long time. And sometimes it's for a very short time, we were in a unique situation where we knew from the beginning, that they would be reunified with their family. And that's not always the case, foster parents don't always know from the beginning. And so I think that was another thing that was helpful. I knew what the outcome would be. And so I could have that mindset from the beginning, and preparing them to be with their family again, and this is just for a short time. And not everyone has that knowledge. So even within foster care, it's so different.
Jackie Leonard 12:00
Yeah, that's a really good distinction. Because I mean, that's how it is, as a parent to the age child comes in with different needs. And there's always different circumstances, but with the fostering, like you said, there's some who know and some who don't know, and permanent temporary, and everything in between, makes a huge difference. What What drew you to fostering to begin with?
Kelsey Cichoski 12:28
Honestly, I think it was my experience as a teacher. Once I became a teacher, I had kids in my classroom, who were a part of foster care. And as their teacher, I saw them every day, and I felt close to them. And I wanted to help their situation in some way. And as a teacher, that's pretty specific, in what way you help them your role is fairly defined for you. You help them ask their teacher in the school setting Monday through Friday. But as I saw different kids experienced foster care, I wanted to do more than just be their teacher in the classroom. And so it's something we talked about, and honestly, something I figured we would do once our family was older and grown. But the subject just kept coming up. And I realized, there wasn't any real reason to wait. There is no, we had the means to do it, we have space. And so we went for it. And something that not a lot of people know as well, is how flexible foster care is. So just in case there's anyone that's curious, I'll mention a few things. But you can be single or married or in a partnership, you can rent a home or own a home, that it's so flexible. And if you want to help with foster care, but don't. Maybe you travel a lot, for example, you can do short term respite, instead of taking a kid full time, you can help kind of like babysitting or giving parents a break if there's a reason that's necessary. So you can take in foster kids for like days, two weeks at a time instead of a full foster term placement. Those are all things I didn't know before we went through our training. So I think it's cool to know that there's a lot more options than maybe people realize.
Jackie Leonard 14:31
Yeah, yeah, I didn't know that. And as you're sharing about this, I just was thinking about my perceptions of fostering and what we see a lot through TV and movies and just anecdotally, I feel like overwhelmingly I hear a lot more negatives regarding foster fostering than positives and so hearing not only you share, kind of The nuance of it, you also kind of talked about this sweet experience that you had afterwards. And this this relationship that you've been able to form with your foster kids and their family, even after, you know, ending your responsibilities, responsibility, so to speak. I think that's really beautiful. And, and I feel like if more was shared about these, like different ways that people can foster that maybe more people would be drawn to it that come at it the way you have. Because I mean, you just don't know there's something about the way that you have described being a foster parents, there's so much selflessness in how you speak and the way that you've been so aware of like, I am not their mother. So I need I know this and I have to make sure I'm you just really seem to think about them and their needs so much that I'm really like, my brain is swirling thinking about mothering as a verb. And the way that people mother, and you talking about teaching, also kind of reminded me of that. And as somebody who is now a conventional Mother, how have you felt like, you see the similarities? In both experiences?
Kelsey Cichoski 16:31
That's a good question. I think one of the similarities is that it seems like while mothering we're always trying to figure out how to meet our children where they're at. And often times, it seems like, once I feel like I figured it out, something changes, right. So like, with my daughter, it seems like I don't know, maybe there's a challenge that I'm having. And then I figure it out, and we get in the groove, and then she goes through, like a growth spurt or something in her development changes, and then it just changes everything. And I'm like, okay, gotta figure this out again. And that's definitely a similarity. Kids are always changing, and always different. And it seems like, we're always working to evolve in some way, meet them where they are trying to help.
Jackie Leonard 17:27
Yeah, totally. And I guess that also goes into teaching, because you know, with students, right, it's like, once you think you've got them to hit some goal, there's always something you know, to build off of that. That is, you're right, almost back at square one. It feels like yeah, that's so yeah. Um, to go back to this experience you had was at a restaurant. For us, it was a restaurant, restaurant and taking this little boy to the bathroom and getting to have that sweet moment with him. I mean, you already shared it was kind of like this affirming, validating experience. I guess what I'm, I'm wanting to know is how are you taking that experience and that kind of affirmation from this child to the ways that you're going to mother in the future?
Kelsey Cichoski 18:36
Well, I think, for many of us, I know, I can't speak for everyone, but certainly for me, I find it easy to doubt a lot. So when thinking of my situation with foster care, like I mentioned before, my goal was that they could just remember that they were loved during that time. And since that was my main goal, it was easy for me to doubt that, you know, like, will they remember that they've been loved? Will they remember the positive experiences more than the negative ones? Or will they remember the difficulty is more than or as more important than their learning experiences. So to have that was so validating, like I did, and maybe a little bit of relief to like, I didn't need to doubt myself all of those times. And it's like, the exact same feeling. I have now, right? Like, I want my own child to feel loved. And I want her to have a positive experience through childhood. And again, I can doubt myself sometimes Am I doing it right? Is she going to remember these things and so to remember, that I had that validating experience, I think in some ways, helps me to know that that's possible again, or to remember that I didn't need to doubt myself. Then helps me remember that I don't need to doubt myself now. Yeah, that's beautiful.
Jackie Leonard 20:09
I hear the expression, you know that motherhood is often a thankless job. But I kind of think that if we I mean, it's it doesn't happen often or all the time. But I think if we're really like perceptive or listen to the little children that we are caring for they, they tell us, thank you and in their own special ways, right? So that that's what I think about what this little boy is, that was like his way of thinking you in the way that he had the language to do that. And so that sounds really, I mean, it just makes me tear up thinking about it. But I think that our kids do that in their own special ways. I think about like, my kid will bounce around and go nuts, and I'll have a crazy day, and then I'll come and give me a hug. And I'm like, okay, that's like, that's like the Thank you. So
Kelsey Cichoski 21:00
right. I mean, that does make sense because they don't have the same vocabulary or the same expectations for conversation. So I think that's the perfect way to say it, that there. Are those thank yous.
Jackie Leonard 21:13
And also like, I always also like to kind of come back to as adults, like, how often do we say thank you to people? Sometimes, like, you know, we expect we say Mother is a thankless job. And then we're like, well, are we you know, it's like, what are we expecting of them that maybe we could do more of ourselves? So I'm curious, too, before we kind of go into our final questions, for people that might be interested in fostering. I'm sure there's like so many things that can be shared. But what's like one thing that, you know, now that you would want to tell somebody that was thinking about posturing aside from what you shared earlier?
Kelsey Cichoski 21:59
Wow, that's a good question. I think what I know now that I wish I had known earlier was how many resources are available to foster families. It's something they try to share when you go through the training, and so you learn about it. But without that without going through the training, and so previously, I had no idea that there were so many supports and helps in place, I think, if people knew that it might come a little bit of that hesitancy or fear that people have, knowing that you're not going to do it alone. And there will be people there to help you and services that make it very manageable.
Jackie Leonard 22:46
Yeah, that's, I think, when I think about fostering I think like, Oh, you I have to have everything, like an order, I have to have this, this type of finances and this and that. And I think you're kind of speaking to there's a lot of support that's available, and it's really just making sure you know, all the things that you can access,
Kelsey Cichoski 23:06
and right and it varies by state. So as far as specifics, I could give what was available to us, but it wouldn't apply to everyone. But every state does have supports so I do know that
Jackie Leonard 23:19
Yeah, and one one concern I began this was like just me speaking for myself, but I've like I've even considered fostering animals and and being like, I don't know that I can do it. I just get like so attached it just and I know that that's like not the best way to approach that role. Like, don't want to say like, how did you navigate like the attachment? Or is there any sort of messaging or something that you've heard that helped you kind of be able to still come into this situation with love and care, and bond, but have that kind of, I don't know, space? Or a ability to attach in a way that it wasn't devastating? I guess, I don't know.
Kelsey Cichoski 24:03
Um, yeah, I get what you're saying. Because I think that just comes with it. Like, it's definitely hard to say goodbye, especially not knowing what our future relationship would look like. Like I didn't know that I get to see that again. But I will tell you what it was that helped me and that was learning. I wish I had like a specific study with me, but I don't but at some point, I learned that infants and children don't have to learn attachment through their biological parents. And I learned that if they, when they're young, learn a proper attachment because that's something that's so important for little ones. If they get that and if they learn it, then they're able to carry that on to other caretakers and other relationships as well. So I don't know if that makes sense. But knowing that helped me to know that giving them attachment was important. And they would be able to take that with them. So I think, especially with young ones, you know, we're like, what if we get too attached, but they need a bit, and it's going to help them to have those proper bonds and close bonds with people in the future, if they can have it when they're young. So knowing that it was important to give that to them, and that they would still be able to use those skills in future relationships was helpful, that it wouldn't like leave when they left us that they could take it with them.
Jackie Leonard 25:42
Yeah, that long lasting impact that you have with even just a short time again, like just chills hearing you talk about it, like, what a service and just what a gift. Both ways. It sounds like to have had that experience. So thank you, again, for sharing a piece of that with us. Yeah, I just, I can see how, even through the hard times a takeaway that like there was such a reward in the experience for you.
Kelsey Cichoski 26:22
And I feel, I think it's, I think it's all part of the exchange, like there's a lot of difficulty, but then there's also a lot of reward with it as well.
Jackie Leonard 26:33
Well, now, again, okay, just go on and pick your brain about what that experience was like for you. But we're going to segue into our wrap up, which I have three things that I asked you to prepare to share. The first one is what's a song that you would use to describe your motherhood experience so far?
Kelsey Cichoski 26:56
Okay.
Jackie Leonard 26:57
You know, I
Kelsey Cichoski 26:58
really thought as I thought about it, that I would find like a sweet touching song. But truthfully, the thing I kept thinking of is just a really silly song. And it's called, you can't have all of me buy real big fish. And the chorus says, You can't have all of me, my job, my boss, my family, I need a little for myself. And since that song has played for me, I would say, I certainly think of it in regards to motherhood now, like, I need a little of me for myself, too.
Jackie Leonard 27:32
I love that I'm like nodding like, yes, this is so perfect. Yeah. Excellent, I'm gonna have to listen to that. Like a mom anthem. Um, the other ask of you is if you could share, some solicited mom advice. So something that would be beneficial for other moms to hear.
Kelsey Cichoski 27:58
My piece of mom advice would be to come up with a phrase that you can keep in your head as a go to phrase when you're having negative thoughts or doubts about your own motherhood. So something, I'll tell you the phrase I keep in my head, and it's, I'm doing this because it's right for what it's Sorry, I'm doing this because it's what's right for my family right now. So then, when I doubt, like, this mom is doing such a good job of doing this certain task. And I don't even do that. I have that phrase ready. So I can say I do it this way, because it's right for my family right now. And it's just kind of helped, like, keep doubt and negativity at bay and help me remember that. I don't have to do things like other people, or, like me, every expectation I can do what's right for us at this time. And that's, that helps me a lot to have that phrase.
Jackie Leonard 28:57
I love that. Thank you. And then lastly, as a contributor for mother scope, I have had the opportunity to to read a lot of different writing that you've been that you would have done. And I know you right. Aside from that, as well, I would love to have you share some recent writing that you've done with both centers.
Kelsey Cichoski 29:26
Okay, I'm going to share something that was recently published in the mom salon, and it's called I didn't set up the nursery. This is something I wrote in relation to my pregnancy post as a pregnancy I had after a pregnancy loss and so I wrote a little bit about what was causing me anxiety and one of those things was setting up the nursery. Here's a piece From that, trying to prepare the nursery in the way that I had hoped, felt crippling, I had an unspoken expectation that I would be able to set up the crib, get baby clothes ready, prepare a charging station, and hang decorations. Anytime I started one of these tasks, I wasn't able to follow through with it. I just wanted to know my baby would need the nursery first, I had to know she would be coming home and using it before I could set it up. I didn't want the pain of taking the nursery down. If my baby didn't need it. It was the fear that I couldn't keep out of my mind. And then after that, I talked a little bit about how, what helps me overcome that fear and what I did in the end with the nursery.
Jackie Leonard 30:46
Yeah, I'll link that. That story in the show notes so people can jump on there and and read the rest of it. It's got a lot of great takeaways. I'll say that I'm sure to read it. And Kelsey, how can people connect with you after hearing your story outside of the podcast?
Kelsey Cichoski 31:07
I'm on Instagram, my handle is Kelsey Schakowsky. And then I have a personal blog right now called The kostki Chronicles calm. So it's like a piece of my last name, the KOSPI Chronicles. It's undergoing some changes. So I can't like guarantee what it's going to look like. But it is available. And I have a little bit of my experiences and my stories on there for people to read. Great.
Jackie Leonard 31:34
And again, thank you so much for coming here and sharing your story, especially amidst moving and transitions and all that stuff. So I'm looking forward to just following along with your journey and getting to read more of your story. But to get this thing to 30 minutes today, it was a gift. So thank you. Yeah,
Kelsey Cichoski 31:59
thanks for having me.