Pandemic Parenting with Megan Vos
ABOUT THE EPISODE
The pandemic has changed every aspect of our lives, especially parenting. Today Megan Vos, Motherscope contributor and mom of two, joins me to talk about parenting in the pandemic. She shares her struggle and releasing control to the unknown, the changes in her identity, and thoughts on watching her children grow during this time.
I got goosebumps a few times throughout this episode, and I think you will, too.
TOPICS DISCUSSED
Coping with the up and down shifts of pandemic parenting
How Megan navigated the day to day of her household during quarantine
The way Megan's identity as a mother has changed due to the pandemic
The importance of friendship in motherhood
Knowing and understanding our kids as whole beings
RESOURCES MENTIONED
ABOUT MEGAN
During non-pandemic times, MEGAN VOS produces Listen to Your Mother, a live show featuring local writers’ stories about motherhood. Now, she has shamelessly embraced Peloton spin classes and bread baking, and finds solace hiking in the mountains above her Boulder, CO home. Megan loves to ski with her family and try new recipes with her partner. Her writing has been published in the Birth Stories and Radical Mama editions of Motherscope and in The Kindred Voice. You can read more of Megan’s writing on her (now rarely updated because: pandemic) blog, www.familygrowsup.com.
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00:00
Today's interview is extra special to me personally because I am speaking with Megan Voss, who I like to call one of Motherscopes OG moms Megan has been a part of mother scopes since the beginning when her birth story of one of her daughters was featured in the first print issue of go Mama, which was a collection of birth stories that was published, oh gosh, I believe December 2018. And since then, Megan has been very active with our community. She's participated in writing workshops, was in our mastermind workshop where I got to really dive in and learn more about her as a writer. And over this past year, she has been a regular contributor for Mother's scopes online journal and print seen the mom salon. So today's conversation really does give a little glimpse into the type of writer and person Megan is she has such a great ability to zero in on moments that most people overlook and give it her own unique perspective and takeaways. And today I'm talking to her about a recent experience she had with her family regarding COVID-19 and back to school. So here's Megan and her story. You're listening to the mother scope podcast. Each week, you're invited to listen in on a conversation centering one mom's unique story hosted by me Jackie Leonard. I'm a lifelong writer, mother of two and the founder of mother scope, a magazine and writing community dedicated to sharing the stories of motherhood. At the end of each episode, you'll walk away more open minded, feeling a little less alone and inspired to reflect on your very own story. For the next 30 minutes, you get to throw off the mom hat in exchange for some real honest grown up conversation and reconnect with yourself in the process. What happens when mothers are given the opportunity to answer the question? What story is the closest to your heart right now? You're about to find out. Hi, Megan. Welcome. Thanks,
02:24
Jackie. Hi.
02:26
I'm so excited to hear some more about your story and everyone listening to get to know you a little better in our half hour together. So um, to start, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
02:39
Sure. I live in Boulder, Colorado, and I've been here since 2004. I'm originally from New Hampshire and just sort of moved here randomly when some friends said I should come because it was really sunny with big mountains. And I am a writer. And I also produce a show called listen to your mother, which is an annual live show that happens every year around Mother's Day and features local writers sharing their stories about different aspects of motherhood. During the pandemic, I've been doing a lot of writing in the super early morning hours before my kids wake up. And when I'm not writing, I also like to hike and have recently gotten into lap swimming in a super casual way. Like I don't really know what I'm doing. But that's been another kind of fun new pursuit recently.
03:36
Yeah, I love how like wide ranged you shared about your life and like all the different things that I because I know you just see how much you really pour into yourself in different facets of your regular life. And that really comes through in your writing. Thanks. So today, we're really going to dive into the story that's closest to your hearts. And I'm looking forward to just hearing what's what's on your mind these days when it comes to motherhood and your story.
04:10
Yeah, so I just realized as I was introducing myself that I didn't even say anything about being my mom. I have two daughters who are 10 and six and a half. And they just started first and fourth grades. And I've really been thinking a lot and these past few days about sort of where we are in the pandemic and have had to really shift the story that I've had, which was over this spring and the beginning of the summer that we're on the upswing things are getting better. And you know we live in Boulder away from all of our family and we got to fly to San Diego where you and I got to meet and got to meet my baby and nephew and see my niece, we flew To the east coast as well to see my parents, and I had this idea that school was going to start, it was going to be more normal. We're excited for our girls to be vaccinated, hopefully sometime soon. And then on the second day of school, we found out that we had been exposed to COVID last weekend. And so my girls had to quarantine, starting one and a half days into the school year. And I have also just been seeing on social media, so many friends who have COVID. And my husband and I were saying that we know more people who are sick now than we did at any other time in the pandemic. And so it's just, it's really gotten me thinking about pandemic parenting, which I has just felt so challenging. And I think, as we quarantine, thankfully, only for a couple of days before we had negative tests, and knew that our girls could go back to school, I was just thinking about what parenting has been like over these past, I guess, this past year and a half. And how much of his challenge to me, because I think one thing that I am really good at in parenting is sort of the day to day running of our household and of our lives like, love a good schedule. And I don't know, when I think about what I like to do with my daughters, it's doing things together out of the house, I love to take them to museums and to parks. We like to go out to eat at some restaurants in our neighborhood. And not being able to do those things has been especially challenging. And I don't think it's been easy for anybody. But, you know, I know a lot of moms who really love to be home with their kids. And for me, that has always been hard. I can remember even when my older daughter was a baby, that we would go for walks and go get coffee, and I would take her even like grocery shopping just sort of person some activity and that we both were happier when we have things going on.
07:25
Yeah. Gosh, I mean, so much of that sounds very similar to my experience, even though we have kids of different ages. What I'm wondering about, I'm so glad to hear first of all, that it was just a little scare and didn't last too long. And things kind of pick back up. But in that moment, like in those days, those couple days where you were in limbo, they had to stay home, like, take us in on like, what that was like for you like, what were some of the things that you were feeling? And then how are you navigating like the households in like, those day or two that you were waiting around?
08:03
Um, you know, I kept sort of zooming in and out. And there's a part of me thought, Oh, my gosh, this is going to be just like last year, because, you know, I know that quarantining is going to be a reality for us. With unvaccinated kids going to school. I know that it's a risk to send kids to school during the pandemic. But for us, home learning just never worked. And I don't think I wouldn't say that any kids liked it. But you know, my younger daughter was in kindergarten last year, and just would close the computer after about like three minutes, and she would find the iPad, find her headphones, put them on and go hide and watch TV like until I found her. And my older daughter hated home learning as well. But she felt obligated to do it. And even when I would say, you know, you can take a break, we can skip some of this, you and I can just read together, we can do this work together. She wouldn't do it. So she felt like she had to be there for every Google meet the whole day. And so I think in those days when they were home again, I thought we're going back to that. And I think part of what's so hard is just that we don't know. And so, you know, we have booked travel again for fall, and I just canceled a trip actually to come to California in September. And so I think part of it for me is just this real uncertainty about what the winter is going to look like and my tendency to sort of catastrophize and say, this is going to be just like last winter when we're stuck inside. And to sort of weigh each micro decision and get really attached to like, well if they don't get dressed Today, does that mean something? Or is it just fine? Or if we eat, you know, tortilla chips and like an apple slice and call that a balanced meal? Like, does that work? Or do I need to be maintaining some kind of structure? So?
10:18
Yeah, yeah, I, and I know that one of the things about asking about like, something that's very current is we don't always have the like, perspective of like, you know, really say hindsight where you're like, Oh, well, this is a year away from this. And this is how I felt then. But what I've learned from this experience is this. And so the learning might be still like in, in, in limbo. But I'm just, I'm curious to hear you know more about what I'm like, I'm like losing my words, because I it does feel like we're so in it still, I don't even know, like how to frame this. Um, I'm hearing a lot of like, that inability to plan that inability to like, know, what is coming next. And as I think a lot of moms and parents in general have to be like, man, the control room, and then once your inability to really commit to anything or like, plan ahead goes away? What happens to your role? That's like a big shift in identity, like, how is I mean, how is the pandemic really changed the way you, mother? and also your question, but no,
11:40
it's a big question. And I think I've been thinking so much about the idea of both and, and not sort of this either or thinking, and I know that I have a tendency to sort of seek control when things get hard and to sort of get more rigid. And I think that during COVID, I've really had to make some space for letting it be hard, but I don't know. And just really allowing for the frustration and allowing for the overwhelm. And I know that one thing that I also do is minimize my own feelings. Because on the one hand, I feel so grateful that I can quarantine with my kids, I'm not working outside of the home right now. And so I don't have to worry about losing a job, my husband can also work from home when COVID gets really bad. And so we really can minimize our exposures and haven't had to worry about financial strain, like so many families had during the pandemic. And I can also recognize that that doesn't mean that it's not super hard. So I have to, I think I've had to do a lot of mental work to be able to say this is really hard, and to not always be able to put a positive spin on it. So there's this tension, I think, between keeping a sense of gratitude for what we do have, and also being able to just allow for the fact that it has been a really, really hard year to parent.
13:28
Yeah, and I think we've had to like really shifts the way it looks right. You said earlier, that you're not eating feel like one of the moms who was really, like, got a lot of enjoyment out of being like home with kids. And so with the, you know, the confines of the pandemic, being a year and a half, and what have you found what what have you been able to do to adjust to still find like some enjoyment out? I mean, I'm not saying like you like dread parents? I'm not saying that at all. But you know, like, you've had to shift like what you do as a mom, or how you engage with your kids, I'm sure. So what have you found to be like, a new thing, or something a little different than you normally would have done that you've actually really enjoyed or, you know, treasured from the changes.
14:17
You know, I think for me, the biggest benefit that's come up this past year and a half is that my friendships have really deepened. And, you know, thinking about how that sort of started and during the pandemic, a couple of friends and I would get together and walk really early in the mornings before we would have to start doing home learning with our kids, or we would hike on the weekends. Or we would meet up some of us during lunch break from home when we get together in a playground. And I think being able to find those things that we could still do to add some structure and also to be community when it was so isolating those, I think that those friendships are going to really last. And one thing that had been hard for me pre COVID is, you know, I had kids before most of my friends in Colorado and most or a lot of my friendships had sort of shifted during that time. I mean, as happens, because you know, you have a baby, and it just changes everything. And I had been, I think, kind of looking for where I fit with the moms in my elementary school and just sort of still searching for friendships that would, searching for the friendships that I would have, while my kids were young. And these friendships that I've made you now even as things started to get better with COVID, and we could do more, I found out what I still wanted to do was like, hanging out in the yard with my new friends are not new. But the friendships that carry me through the beginning of the pandemic, I would like to say through the pandemic, but we know we're still in it.
16:13
Yeah, that richness in friendships that deepening, I've heard that a lot. And I felt that were that has been so necessary to not have that isolated feeling like even and utilizing what we have available, like you said, like going on walks, or doing virtual, like zooms or whatever it was to stay connected. I think we really learned like, who was there for us and who we really wanted to, you know, who we could get close to, and lean on during this time. And that's been really illuminating, I think. And maybe at the same time, we've also learned like, kind of where we need more or want more. And it sounds like you really also went looking for it or like kind of put your energy into that. And that was, I could see how that would have just been so made such a difference. Yeah. And you again, I think what I love about what you've shared so far today is like, focusing on you has been what's made motherhood better for you, you know, it wasn't like, Oh, we like you know, and I know you've done a lot of neat fun things with your daughters. So that's like, goes without saying, but you really like let's talk about how deepening the relationships in your for you personally, have made it a better experience and more enjoyable experience. Sounds like that's what I'm hearing.
17:41
Absolutely. And I think having friends who are going through the same thing where you can send a quick text and say, like, we've been up since five in the morning, and my kids have already watched three movies, and I'm hiding in the bathroom eating chocolate, which is like a mom cliche because it's true. Like being able to say that to somebody and have them text back. You're like, yeah, totally is what has made it okay for me.
18:09
Yeah. And that like letting ourselves off the hook. You know, like, really, like, you mentioned earlier, like the giving apple slices and you know, a piece of toast, perhaps for a meal, like might be all they want and all that I can do for this one meal and that's okay. Like it's okay. Parenting is like is what we strive for. And I think so much of motherhood heightens or like need for perfection, that having friends that can be like, Yeah, I do that too. Like, yeah, really?
18:46
I think so too.
18:48
Well, you know, I also wanted to speak to this idea of like holding space for both feelings and like, multiple realities and motherhood you spoke to where I would love to, like know more about how you get to that place, how you can be at a place where you have that perspective, what helps you kind of get there, because so many times we can get overwhelmed or stressed and what brings you back to like this acceptance of motherhood that you talked about.
19:30
You know, I don't think this is specific to COVID. But I think I had a lot of ideas before I became a mom about what kind of mom I was going to be. And I think I hadn't really accounted for the fact that my daughters would arrive as full people without my influence. And I've been thinking a lot about sort of this nature and nurture thing because When I look at my older daughter, I think she has been her since the day she was born. And she has taught me from the first day that it wasn't going to be the way that I thought it was before, for both a wonderful and a harder way is that that has been true. And so I think there's both an idea. Um, you know, some of the harder moments with her have been led to some of the nicest like, her having a tantrum at age two, and then looking at me and saying, thanks for holding my big feeling, you know. Or, she used to say to me, I was feeling sad. And now I'm not feeling sad. And maybe soon I'll feel sad again. And just this reflection back to me of like, the way that you that emotions can shift, and that we can feel a lot of different feelings. But I mean, that is definitely a work in progress for me. Because when we're in the middle of something hard, I will attach right to that and think this is the way it's always been, it's always going to be this hard. And so I have to really make a conscious effort to step back and really sort of practice observing my kids and observing myself and trying to practice like, what needs attention right this second, and like, Where can I sort of let go of that?
21:44
Yeah, those those parenting wins, that you describe, like with your daughter, and her being able to communicate back to probably what you've obviously been, like, showing her or just everything they make. They affirm like, Okay, I'm doing something I there, it's, it's working, what I'm trying so hard to do is working. So I love that.
22:07
And I think recognizing, too, that it's all a phase. And I was thinking about that that. I mean, who knows how long this pandemic is going to last but you know, some of the phases that have felt endless and parenting like, I don't know, having a newborn who doesn't sleep, it's like, that stops. And so I think being able to sometimes draw on some of those parenting experiences is one of the things that also helps when the pandemic feels really overwhelming.
22:41
I love that that's like a really great way to be like, you know, when they talk about parenting yourself, that's like, freaking out about like, a difficult phase in our lives. It's like, you know, this is temporary, you know, this won't last forever, or, you know, also my ability to handle it won't be the same, you know, like we will. If we think back to where we were a year and a half ago, and the way we were navigating, it looked very different than how we're doing it now, like you were you know, you were able to fly a few places like that something that maybe in the thick of it didn't feel like reality. I love that.
23:13
Yeah, yeah.
23:16
So to close this out, I have I think you've prepared a few responses to three. Well, I'll say questions or requests, I have a view. And the first is what song would you use to describe your motherhood experience?
23:37
So the song that I picked and it was the first song that came to mind when I saw this question, and I just keep coming back to it over and over is Brandi Carlile song, the mother. Because I love the lyrics, I'll just read a couple of the ones that I love the most. But Welcome to the end of being alone inside your mind tethered to another and you're worried all the time. You always knew the melody, but you never heard it rhyme. And then also the part that says the first things that she took from me were selfishness and sleep. She broke 1000 heirlooms I was never meant to keep she filled my life with color canceled plans and trashed my car. But none of that is ever who we are. And I picked it because I was thinking about how now that my daughter is 10 My older daughter that it's been a full decade have really never making a decision without somebody else in mind. And so even when I'm not consciously thinking about her or my younger daughter, I always am thinking about her and just that major shift from when you can, you know, go to the grocery store and like pick out your own food to eat something that's simple to now like well if I buy myself this food then what are they going to eat? So from teeny things To the big things where it's like, there's always somebody else in my head.
25:06
Yeah, that conscious and subconscious mother lens that will never go away after once you have it, it's there forever. It's a great song. I like that. And I'd love for you to share some of your solicited mom advice, or a mom hack that you would like to impart on us as moms.
25:31
Okay. So when my younger daughter was little, I remember somebody gave me the hacker, I think she was a baby. And somebody said basic needs first. And so you know, when she was sleeping, and my older daughter was awake, like, give her a snack, make a snack for myself, rest shower. And I've thought about that a lot during COVID to this, like basic needs hack. So making sure that I drink a glass of water, or step outside and move my body or eating a good snack. And but if you attend to those things, like you're doing pretty well.
26:18
Yeah, that's crucial. That is so good. But it's also not something we commonly think about. I can like, start my day, and I'll be like, Oh, my gosh, I haven't tried the glass of water like that. And it totally resets. It totally resets everything once you start from that place. And to close, so I would love for you to share an excerpt from some recent writing you've been doing.
26:45
Yeah, I am going to read from the end of my most recent mom's one piece, which is going to be out by the time you're listening. It's my September piece. And it's about missing the Disney Princess phase, which was really big for us. And so, in the piece, I talk a little bit about some of our biggest Disney moments like my older daughter calling me stepmother for a really long time from Cinderella and talk about my girls love of frozen. So I'm going to read just the last two paragraphs of that. I romanticize the Disney phase. Now that I'm out of it. There was a time when one more request for Disney Pandora was enough to make me want to pull an Elsa and escape the kingdom altogether. But my oldest made a birthday wish list yesterday. And aside from doll clothes, she hasn't asked for a single toy. As I write this and putting off packing for a two week trip and it's the first time we are traveling without princess costumes. A cursive name necklace has replaced marijuana's heart of defeating necklace. And for Al Williams is happy has become my older daughter, my older daughter's anthem. Today when I heard the word ambulate on a podcast, the theme song from Sophia the First popped into my head. Like Proust Madeline it took me to another era conjured a three year old girl twirling in a purple gown, telling me about her ambulant the adorable mispronunciation with its magical powers. I look at her now and I can see all of the versions she has been called the character she has tried on. I feel grateful that my memory has held on to these joyful images. Even though those early years were also full of conflict and exhaustion. It makes me hopeful that when I look back on this phase, I'll think about sitting next to my daughter while we read quietly, her joy when she plays with her sister, her newfound social competence. I wonder what stories are next for both of us and what magic they will bring.
28:51
Oh, that gave me chills hearing you read it. Thank you. So yeah, like you said, If once you've heard this, you'll have to go and read the rest of Megan's piece. Mother scope calm through our online journal, the mom salon. Megan, how can people who have now gotten to know you a little better connect with you or stay connected with you? After listening to this?
29:16
Thanks. You can find me on Instagram at Megan boss writes. And I'm also writing some on my blog, which is family grows up calm. And I've also on medium so you can find some of my pieces there as well.
29:35
Yeah, and I'll link all of your contact info on the show notes for people. And I just want to say thank you so much, Megan. This is really great to talk about and feeling really timely in relation to pandemic parenting as people are going children are going back to school and I know this is coming up for a lot of moms. So thank you so much for sharing that with us today. And for everyone. Else, be sure to check out Megan's writing. It's wonderful. Thank you.
30:10
What an important story to hear today. In light of those of you with school aged children, I'm sure you've had a lot to relate to with Megan's story. And, and just the plight of being a mom and the time of COVID. And I kind of have a feeling that whether or not you listen to this episode in real time, or over the next few months, this is still going to be something that you relate to and might be living, unfortunately, so if anything, I hope it brings some solace and comfort in hearing that you are not alone if you related to some of the things Megan shared about her experience today. So today's writing prompt is obviously inspired by Megan story. And before I share it, I want to again remind you that after you and listening to this episode, all I recommend is that you sit down for about five minutes. And it's best if you do it immediately following your listening experience. But sit down and just write about whatever comes to mind related to the prompts that I'm going to share and see how you feel throughout your day. Sometimes. I think I listened to such amazing podcasts that I forget to sit down and really process them. And these writing prompts are a way that you can feel like you've actively participated in the conversation and also done something with it. So this is Megan's prompt for you to apply to your own life. How do you navigate uncertainty in your life? Until next week, happy writing.