Adjusting Your Expectations of Motherhood with Colleen Tirtirian
ABOUT THE EPISODE
Motherscope contributor, Colleen Tirtirian, is on the podcast today to share her experience as a twin mom. We spend a lot of time chatting about the expectations of motherhood vs her reality, which I think is something that so many new moms struggle with. Colleen is also sharing the things that she wish she knew before becoming a mom. Even if you're not a twin mom, this episode has so much to offer. Also, stay tuned til the end to hear Colleen read an excerpt from her most recent writing featured in The Mom Salon, Motherscope’s weekly online journal.
TOPICS DISCUSSED
What it is that makes Colleen's motherhood experience unique, especially as a twin mom
How Colleen coped with the expectations of motherhood vs. her reality of motherhood
How unlearning as a mom can be more valuable than learning
One of the current things that Colleen enjoys most about being a toddler twin mom
The one song that Colleen would choose that represents her motherhood journey
RESOURCES MENTIONED
ABOUT COLLEEN
Colleen is a mother, writer, editor, and New Jersey native, currently writing from her home office in Hoboken. She believes that sharing the journey of motherhood, especially taboo topics, can help to normalize the difficult moments we all feel from time to time. When she’s not writing and juggling mom-duty, Colleen enjoys playing guitar and crafting (specifically, miniatures). Some may say she’s a bit quirky, but she chooses to embrace her eccentricities and channels them into her creative endeavors.
You can connect with Colleen on her Instagram @colleentir or visit her website.
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00:00
So today I'm talking with Colleen territorian. From Hoboken, New Jersey. Colleen is a regular contributor for mother scopes, online journal and print seen the mom salon. And what I really appreciate about Colleen, that I've learned through her writing so far is that she is honest and open about her experiences as a twin mom, a mom who struggled with miscarriage and infertility. And today we dive deeply into those subject matters. I encourage everyone who is listening to really think about ways that you can apply Collins experiences to your own even if you've never experienced any of the things that we're talking about directly. Here is Colleen and her story. You're listening to the mother scope podcast. Each week, you're invited to listen in on a conversation centering one mom's unique story hosted by me Jackie Leonard, I'm a lifelong writer, mother of two and the founder of mothers scope, a magazine and writing community dedicated to sharing the stories of motherhood. At the end of each episode, you'll walk away more open minded, feeling a little less alone and inspired to reflect on your very own story. For the next 30 minutes, you get to throw off the mom hat in exchange for some real honest grown up conversation and reconnect with yourself in the process. What happens when mothers are given the opportunity to answer the question? What story is the closest to your heart right now? You're about to find out. Hi, Colleen, thank you for joining the mother scope podcast.
01:57
I'm excited to be here. Yeah, I'm
01:59
really looking forward to hearing more of your story and for the listeners to get to know you as well. So to start things off, can you introduce yourself to the listeners?
02:09
Sure. My name is Colleen. And I have four year old twins Charlie and Amelia. So we have a boy and a girl. And we live in Hoboken, New Jersey. And then besides being a mom, which of course you know, I love it. But I also I have hobbies and things that I like to do. Music is a big part of my life. And I also love to write and to read. And I just recently started rock climbing so I have a whole hodgepodge of things that I try to squeeze into my crazy days.
02:51
What kind of music do you like? She said, that was a big part of
02:54
what kind of music I have a very eclectic taste in music. I pretty much sometimes I'll listen to just instrumental music when I'm working. I love some good rock music and indie rock that I would say is mostly what I'm into. But really I listen to anything classic rock, you name it.
03:14
Yeah. And I think at the end, we're going to share a song choice that describes your motherhood experience. Yeah, people can look forward to hearing so as you know, as somebody who has I think they call it Singleton's if you do not have twins, I naturally gravitate to wanting to hear about your experience. And I think that's what we're gonna focus on today is diving into what makes your motherhood experience unique. So can you talk a little bit to that?
03:45
Yeah, absolutely. Um, first of all, thank you for asking about it. Because I think as a first time parent to twins, it was there were a lot of unexpected things that happened. And generally it it's a little bit isolating, and when you see everybody around you having, you know, their one baby. And that made it sort of a unique experience. Because when I had Charlie and Amelia, it was very much that most people around me were also first time moms. And they had one baby and I honestly, I just want to pause and preface this by saying I feel very blessed to have twins. And it was a very long journey to birth twins. It didn't come easy. We had to go through a lot to get there and they're here but it's it. It was an it is a lot harder than I ever imagined. It would be. Yeah. And also I will say to people are always very curious. A lot of people will ask questions, but I'm just gonna answer the questions you might have, which is, where are they natural? That's a big question that I get a lot. Even from strangers, you know, like, Oh, you have twins with a natural and I'm like, mind your own business. I don't know you. But no, I guess in theory, they weren't natural unless, because people are thinking about fertility treatments. Right. Of course, my babies are natural. They're natural. I have them. There's two of them. But we did have fertility treatments, too. get pregnant. And yeah, I don't know where I'm going with this. But just that people are always so very, very curious about that. Yeah, well, they say does it run in your family? Right.
05:50
Yeah. I mean, I think all moms get that field of questions. And then to have something that's unique. I looked it up and think about 3% back in 2019 3% of live births are twin births. So that is a very unique, you know, thing to see. And I curious for that being part of like, that's your life that people are asking about because of your children that you're asking about and like the layer of questions that you get are probably just can maybe they feel
06:24
like it's it is invasive, and at first I was like, I didn't really bother me. But as they've gotten older now, I'm just like, Alright, this is getting old. Getting old stop asking me. But it's interesting that it's 3%. Because I would have thought more now because I feel like when I'm outside, like we live in a town where people are walking around a lot with strollers, and I see a lot more twins lately. So that's interesting.
06:53
I was surprised about it too, because I have had, you know, twins in my life. I was thinking about this yesterday, before we talked I was like, my aunt's are twins. My there were twins that we were friends with growing up. My husband's best friends are twinned. And now my sister in law has twin so I feel like I've always been agile since it's when we're dying. So
07:20
we are two.
07:21
Yeah. But But yeah, I've just I, I was surprised by that percentage. And it really did heighten for me that this is a unique experience of yours, that and to be to experience motherhood for the first time with twins, because in a lot of ways, this is like all, you know, like you can only compare the experience to this experience. So I'd love to hear kind of like to be a fly on the wall or really zero in on like a moment that felt like a unique experience as a
07:53
swimmer. So I really, I'm a social person by nature. And I really, before I had the babies, I was like, Oh, this is going to be so great. Like, I'm going to go to their mom groups, I'm going to go hang out and do brunch with them. The other new moms, because that's sort of the vibe in this town. It's like, you just see a lot of moms hanging out together and doing things. And so I just thought, hey, well, why not like Why? I have to Sure. It's a little bit more challenging. Sure. But I'm, I'm going to participate. This is what I told myself. So they came home with us. Luckily, they had no nick of time. And we were home and they got their vaccinations and yada yada. We eventually started going out of the house, and I would take them out by myself. And I did meet up with a mom group and I will never forget this one time. They wanted to get brunch. And they said, oh, let's go to this little restaurant, you know. And it's an old building. So it's not it. It's got narrow doors, we'll just preface it with it has narrow doors. So we get there. And the other moms just walk, you know, they will try them with their strollers and they put us in the big room in the back. And I'm like waiting, sort of behind them. And I figure I'll go in last because I'm looking at the entrance and I'm thinking, I don't know if I'm going to fit into that doorframe. And so I was trying to strategize ways in my head, like how to get around it and I'm starting to sweat. I'm like, Oh my god, what am I going to do? So it didn't fit to not fit through the door. So I've literally had to like, take apart stroller, and take out the bassinet and figure out a way to get inside and the other moms are definitely helpful, but I just that was how it started. So I was like, Oh my god, I was kind of mortified and just thinking like, starting to get a little upset, like, why am I doing this? Why is this so hard for me not not being able to see at that time that Oh, well. You have two babies. It's inherently harder. I just wanted to participate. So we finally get in and get settled and The moms are just sitting around the table and enjoying, you know, maybe like some champagnes and wines and nibbles and, you know, just their babies were quiet, they all held their babies. And I had these two colloquy, colloquy like reflux, babies just wailing, and I could not, could not get them to settle. And I just, of course, abandon ship, I was like, we gotta go, because it was not fun at all. And that was quite a lesson for me, that was like very much a moment in time where I had to realize that I, it is a different scenario. And I, yes, I am blessed to have these two babies, but to try to participate in life the same way as what I quote unquote, thought motherhood would be like, or what it you know, what it would be to be part of these moms group mom groups was just not at all what I anticipated and learning to be okay with that was a big challenge for me, because I think we go into motherhood with these expectations. Be a certain way.
11:17
Yeah. What I'm, I'm wondering, as you said that, you know, like, things are going to look different for me as a twin Mom, what did you after that, you know, experience? What did you maybe seek out or do differently? To kind of embrace that twin mom lifestyle?
11:35
Yeah, even I. So I did meet a few other twin moms in town with babies around the same age. And I think I just, even after meeting them, I still was left feeling bad. Like, I just was not enjoying being around other moms. I mean, this sounds kind of not the case anymore. But at that time, because they these other women had twins. And they'd say like, Oh, well, mine are sleeping through the night or, oh, well, mine are exclusively breastfed, or, you know, my babies do this and that and the other thing, and I'm thinking, What am I doing wrong? Like, why are my babies like, Why is this not easy for me? And at that time, there was like, a lot of self blame that I had going on. I was like, I'm doing there's something I'm doing wrong. And I need to figure this out. And I think I really knew deep down that no, it was it wasn't me, it was like, just they were my babies. They were tiny, they needed to be fed every two hours, they, you know, we needed to supplement with formula, all these things that I thought that I said, Oh, I'm gonna do motherhood this way. I I realized, like, in the back of my mind, I knew I was not my fault. And so it was like a big turn I had to make to figure out that, okay, like, unfollow social media accounts that make me feel bad. And stay home, if I want to stay home, don't feel like I have to go outside and do things. And I think once I started just listening to what I needed to do as a mom, and what my babies needed most for me, it all just started to fall into place. But it was it This makes it sound so simplistic. It's not like it was a very, very difficult sort of reversal of like my thinking and my socializing too, because I was before I had the baby socializing was a very big part of my life. So that was a, that was like a real adjustment for sure.
13:44
Yeah, what I'm hearing it sounds a lot like you, you know, have these, like you said expectations, and kind of the letting go and figuring out what it was that you actually needed became the shift. And then the things that you did that follow that were more aligned to like, this is what works for me, this is what's gonna work for us. This is the reality of our situation, kind of took a lot of that off versus like, Oh, I went from this mom group to joining another mom group, and I found the right group. And that answered all my problems. Like it wasn't that simple
14:17
was not and even like, I think too, I did a lot of sort of damage to myself, I guess before they were born. I wanted to take every like birth class and every twin class I could find and I did. And I remember learning like, oh, twins, you have to get them on a schedule. You have to do this. You have to do XYZ. And none of that worked for us. None of it. So it was a lot of unlearning.
14:42
Yeah, yeah. I think the unlearning part is almost more valuable than the learning right? Mom's like letting go of the things we thought I was really curious. One of the things I wanted to ask you about, like when you found out you had twins, what was kind of like the fantasy like, I don't know what your Your initial response was, but was there like, kind of like a fantasy of what you thought it might be? And then what the reality was and what you feel about it now?
15:08
Yeah, so I, we found out pretty early because of the fertility treatments. So we did IU II, and I guess just dropped multiple eggs. So we did find out early and I remember being so excited, because we had, we had had two miscarriages before that. And it just sort of felt like fate. Like, I was like, Oh my gosh, things are just falling into place. And I was really excited and then immediately terrified, like, mostly because I didn't know if they, you know, if I was going to carry them to term and that was a lot of stress. But during the times in pregnancy, where it was like really like that second trimester where it was like, Oh, I can really just like relax now. And I, I allowed myself to relax. And I did fantasize, you know. And I think that was valuable to do. It was nice to think about, you know, all like the nursery is going to look this way. And I still, I don't regret like fantasizing about what it would be like because even though it was not so easy in the beginning, the infant stage like that was that was straight up trauma for me. Like, it was so difficult. So difficult. You know, we like would only sleep 40 minutes at a time basically, my husband and I because the kids, they were just, they the feeding was really the big thing. But now that they're out of that stage, it's like we're enjoying it so much now. So it's sort of like my fantasy was zoomed in on the infant stage versus like the the entire trajectory of their lives. And we're just, we're just having a lot of fun with it now and it feels really good to have gotten past the tough times. And yeah, we're enjoying it a lot at this age.
17:07
Yeah, what's like one specific thing that you really enjoy observing or getting to do with your twins that are like their relationships that you want to like highlight? That's feeling really good? Yeah.
17:20
Well, first of all, I love their tiny little squeaky voices. a toddler what are the cutest ever? Their relationship is so adorable. They they do fight now because they're four so they definitely fight over toys. But when they're in their little sweet moods with each other, they just go around saying I love you. I love you know, I love you and just hugging each other and it warms my heart so much. It's really they're just, they really do have a great bond. And they they don't like doing things without each other. So I'll joke at the playground like we're leaving and I can't get them to leave. I'm like, Alright, well. Charlie's in the stroller. Okay, Amelia. I guess we're gonna go and Charlie will just yell. We can't leave her there. We need my sister. Very cute. Explain. I'm like, I'm like it's a it's a mom thing, Charlie. I'm not really gonna leave for I promise.
18:23
I need your help. Okay. Yeah,
18:24
yeah, like get on board. Yeah, and on it.
18:29
I love this. I love hearing you know, the bits of your story. Because even not had obviously like obviously not having twins myself, I still felt like I could relate to so many of the different like feelings and emotions and scenarios that you described. So I really appreciate this little micro storytelling. And I feel like I could go on and on and on. But we're going to transition to the end of our chat. And what I'm excited to do for every interview at the end is I have three requests before we wrap up that I had to prepare ahead of time. And the first is what's the song that you would choose to describe your motherhood experience and maybe share a little bit about why
19:15
sure I when you asked me this I so badly wanted to choose something like really fun and upbeat and because that's how I'm feeling lately but I instead went with a song called hang on by Guster, which is one of my favorite bands. And it's it's just about not not knowing what your life is gonna be like and even through the difficult times just hanging on and, and getting through it because there's a light at the end of the craziness. And I did struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety and I think listening to a song like that during that time was absolutely really helpful for me. And it just, it was a hard time like I know, again, and I know, I keep saying it, but we're so blessed to have Charlie and Amelia and I wouldn't never, you know, I don't, I would never change a thing. But that time when they were infants was really, really difficult. So this song was, it got me through.
20:24
Yeah, that's beautiful. And I wanted to say earlier, I just feel like getting to hear from a mom of a four year old with twins, I just feel like your story. And your encouragement is gonna, like help so many that are like, a few years behind you that are like, in the thick of it, that you have this, like competence and, and peace in the path that you've been on. So I really appreciate you sharing that.
20:48
I this is why I share it. I hope so. Because I I just I think these are things that I wish I could have heard, like when when it was a really tough time. So that's why I share all these things.
21:01
Yeah. And the next questions like making me laugh, because we just we were talking earlier about like the solicit the unsolicited questions. And so this request is solicited mom advice, I would love to hear you share like a mom hack or some words of wisdom that you would impart on other moms.
21:22
Yeah, keep your blinders on. That's my mom hack, I guess or advice, like, I don't buy in all the crap that says you have to do something a certain way. Because it's all just ideas and like, it does work for some people. And that's great if it works for those people. But if it doesn't work for you, then it's okay to just sort of cast that idea aside and do what's good for you. In my experience, that is when things started to improve. When I just said, Oh my gosh, forget all this crap, like I just need to do what works for us.
21:58
And do you have like a strategy or a strategy, the right word, but like, do you have like something that you do that helps you kind of weed it out? Like, I don't know, if it's journaling or talking with your husband? Or you know, what is it that you do to make sure that you're like, on the right track when you're making
22:16
Yeah, I'm lucky enough that I've been able to have some therapy, which certainly helps. And definitely, it's so crazy how influential social media can be in your life, and especially when you're at home with your kids and you're on your phone. And definitely, that's been one of my top strategies, unfollow, unfollow, unfollow, and then follow the things that lift me up. And writing also is another one that's been really very helpful and therapeutic. So yeah,
22:49
yes, I cosign all of this things are present. And perfect segue because as a mom salon contributor, I've gotten to read some of your writing and I would love for you to share with those listening, an excerpt of some recent writing you've done so that they can, you know, seek it out and read more of it on the mother scope website. I think there is already a couple of Collins writings up on the blog, and she's going to share something with you know,
23:23
yeah, so actually, I'm This is from my most recent contribution to the mom salon. The title is fear is a four letter word. So I'm just gonna read a paragraph from the middle of that. I used to spend a lot of time worrying, living in fear, waiting for things to go wrong, historically, and perhaps naturally, there's always a low after a high. I lived in a state of hyper vigilance, waiting for whatever low was lurking around the corner after any victory. I was used to living in weight of the valleys after the peaks and I became accustomed to the fear that came hand in hand with it. This was especially true when my husband and I started trying to build our family. Worrying fear began to take over my life during a time that was meant to be joyous. It started with stressing over failed natural cycles, I worried Will we ever conceive, stress to interfere after my first miscarriage? Will I ever carry a baby to term the fear stayed with me and subsequent pregnancies and amplified after our second loss? And again, through more fertility treatments? Will this ever happened for us? I was in a deep spiral of fear based thinking.
24:38
Thank you so much. And by the time this airs, that essay will be live on the website. So I encourage you all to go read that after listening to our chat today. I'm calling How can people connect with you if they want to, you know follow you on social media or you reached out to you and let you know what they thought,
25:03
well, I am on Instagram. What do they call it a handle. My handle is my app. Colleen t IR and Colleen is with two L's and two E's. And that is also if you want to read more of my writing that's also on medium same candle calling tr tr. And then I do have a personal website, which is sort of a work in progress right now. But it's Coleen territorian, calm.
25:31
Awesome. And I encourage everybody to follow along, because you will have all sorts of wonderful, you know, perspectives and things to share. And I'm looking forward to continuing to read more of your stories through the mom salon as well. Thank you so much, Colleen, for coming here today and sharing a piece of your story. I know it's gonna really help a lot of moms out there. And I'm just really grateful to have been able to listen to a little
26:01
bit. Thank you so much for having me. I'm grateful to be here to share my story.
26:12
Wasn't that a great conversation? If you're like me, it felt very much needed and timely, which is always so great to be reminded of that, regardless of the different ways that we mother or the different, you know, ages of children we have or whether we're a twin mom or a single twin mom, we can find a lot to relate to. Before I go here is your writing prompts that I encourage you to spend at least five minutes today, thinking about and writing to. And this is thanks to Colleen and the story she shared. What did you have to unlearn in order to enjoy your motherhood experience?