Call Me a Motherhood and Culture Critic
ABOUT THE EPISODE
Recently, I was looking at the profile of a writer I really respect and enjoy reading. In her profile, she describes herself as a culture critic, which I loved and helped me realize I could consider myself a culture critic too. This writer specializes in writing about the abuse of women. If I were to pick, my obvious specialty is motherhood. In the spirit of my new title as Motherhood and Culture Critic, this week's episode is going to critically examine what we've come to know as maternal instinct, as well as the expectations we have for moms in our culture.
TOPICS DISCUSSED
How mothers minimize their roles outside of motherhood and how this has affected me as of late, plus some of the recent motherhood headlines we’re seeing
The way pop culture and celebrity shape our expectations of motherhood and the impact this has on the way we view “famous” moms
What the reaction to Britney Spears’ nude selfies say about motherhood, our bodies, and our sexuality
The way The Royal Family and the public dismissed Princess Diana’s mental health struggles while using them to judge her as a mom
The commonalities between the coverage of Britney Spears and Princess Diana and their ability to mother
The expectations of mothers and the sacrifices that they should make for their family and children and how this has been highlighted recently with Serena Williams and Giselle Bündchen
The wisdom that we can gain from mothering and how it can affect our futures and our careers
Breaking the rule that we are not allowed to say anything negative about mother figures and how Jennette McCurdy is facing this head on
Considering the argument that maternal instinct is a myth created by men
RESOURCES MENTIONED
Britney Spears’ Sons Refused to See Their Mom Over Nude Selfies
Kat Tenbarge Twitter Thread on Britney Spears’ Nude Photo Criticism
Serena Williams says farewell to tennis in her own words - Vogue
WRITING PROMPT
Replace one of the wrong (unfair or inaccurate) motherhood narratives shared in this episode (Britney Spears, Princess Diana, Giselle Bundchen) with your own story. Which did you connect with the most, and why? What part of that story isn’t often heard.
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Jackie Leonard 00:00
So I was looking at the profile of a writer I really respect and enjoy reading from. And I saw in her profile, she described herself as a culture critic. And she specializes in abuse against women. And that's, and so it got me thinking about what I might call myself. And if I were to pick, I would say, motherhood and culture critic. And so with that said, this week's episode is going to critically examine what we've come to know as maternal instinct, as well as the expectations we have for moms in our culture. I'm recording this episode, the second week of September and 2022. And have compiled a few different newsworthy stories that have been circulating over the past few weeks, that all really tie into the concept that maternal instinct exists. And that there is a different set of expectations that we as a society have for moms. And I'll say it's off the top that obviously certain stories that I'm going to share about having nuance the, the relationships we have with, or rather parasocial relationships we have with celebrities and notable recognizable figures in our world, make things more complicated, and shape our opinions in addition to how we see mothers, but in the context of every story that I'm going to share, there is a very obvious band or spotlight placed on their role as a mother that is called into question or criticized. So who am I going to talk about today I'm going to talk about Britney Spears, Princess Diana, Serena Williams and Giselle Bundchen. And Jeanette McCurdy. So let's get to it.
Jackie Leonard 02:07
I suppose I should begin, as I tried to begin every episode with my mom guilt of the week, honestly, fresh on my mind is the fact that to record this current episode, I had to leave my daughter, my husband's with her right now. And she, they're going on a walk to the park. And as they were rolling away, my daughter was crying for me. And I just had this thought in my head, like, I missing out on time with my daughter, my daughter is distressed because I'm now with her because I have to go and record a podcast episode. And in my head, I was minimizing the importance of what I was working on, over my role as a mother, which feels really poignant to what I'm going to be talking about in this episode, especially at the end of it to share some reading for you that I just did this morning, that really has my whole like, my brain is just really buzzing and Dizzy over a lot of the things that I read in that. And truly, I feel like I've been pretty sensitive, especially this past month or so, to the headlines that I've been reading casually just as I look at my phone or go on social media, different stories have been popping out at me and seem a lot more focused on Mothers than I've noticed in months past. And that could just be my awareness and attention on the subject or it can be, you know, just something especially charged right now. There's that phenomenon. It's called Baader Meinhof phenomenon or the recency bias or frequency illusion that basically that you feel like you're seeing the same thing everywhere once you learn about it. I don't think that's what this is. Because I feel like over the past few years, my my, my lens has been clued in on anything to do with motherhood. But like I said, over the past month, I've just feel like I've been saying a lot about mothers and commentary, social commentary on mothering, or people and the way they mother. And so I felt really important right now to address that while it's current, even if it means going against my planned programming, which I feel like I've been doing a lot lately, but this is a podcast that I want to be kind of in tune with the times so I guess, to be expected. So the first story that I wanted to talk about that I was reading a lot about a few weeks back, has to do with Britney Spears and for anyone who's not readily familiar with Britney Spears is a story. About a year ago she was released from a 13 year Conservancy, which essentially stripped her of her personal rights, and put them in the hands of her father, in addition to a number of other court appointed figures who were responsible for making all her financial decisions, in addition to personal and medical decisions as well, obviously, because Britney Spears is a world renowned pop star. This created a spotlight on the potential for abuse within conservatorships that extends to everyday people as well. And got a lot of people talking at the time and since about the ethics around stripping someone legally of their rights for what appeared to be mental or cognitive illness reasons, in her case, and possibly drug abuse and things like that, that have been floated around and not necessarily confirmed by credible sources. But essentially, people were really baffled to understand why it was okay for Britney Spears to be under this strict conservatorship and still be amassing millions and millions of dollars making tons of money for this conservatorship. By touring and having a Vegas residency and so forth. You may already be familiar with all of the hype around the free Britney movements and the documentaries that came out in light of that, which in some ways, potentially helped, accelerates the release of her conservatorship. Finally, like I said, after 13 years, so this was last year. And in the months that have followed, quite obviously, Britney Spears has been under a microscope. And she has been publicly posting things, essentially, for the first time in years, or maybe ever using her voice to share her story in different ways. And she's also been posting pictures and doing all sorts of things on social media. There's been a lot of commentary on those things as could be expected. And I don't want to get into the contents or all of that. What I really wanted to talk about with regard to Britney Spears was how most recently, her ex husband who is the father to her two teenage sons, recently did like an expose a interview with I believe a UK publication. I could be wrong, but I think it's the Daily Mail or something of that nature. This exclusive interview where the reporter came in to his home and interviewed not only her ex husband, Kevin, Kevin Federline, but also one of her two children. There's been a ton of drama that has come out since the news of that broke and the interview subsequently was aired. But what I want to touch on specifically, is what Kevin Federline said So essentially, in the interview, he was addressing the fact that his children, both sons have chosen not to see their mother. I think at the time, it was like they hadn't seen her in over six months, which first of all, just felt really cruel as an outside observer to see that somebody was coming forward to speak publicly about children who have chosen not to speak with their mother in that way, knowing so much of what Britney Spears has gone through so much of the narrative about Britney Spears, and the conservatorship was that she was willing to comply with the conservatorship because she wanted to be able to see her children and a lot of the time that was held as a threat against her for not performing or complying, that she would no longer be able to see her children or have custody of them.
Jackie Leonard 09:08
So this is the headline that was circulating before I think the interview even aired Britney Spears his sons refuse to see their mom over embarrassing nude selfies. ex husband Kevin Federline reveals that specific headline was from okay news, but other publications were running very similar headlines, spotlighting essentially that Britney Spears is nude, quote unquote, selfies. Were so embarrassing for her sons that they would no longer speak to her. So I have to shout out this Twitter thread that I found by Kat 10 bars where she shares basically a breakdown of why that comment by Kevin Federline is problematic. It reads Britney Spears is x going to the media to complain about Got her censored nude Instagram posts is a repeat of history and people are swallowing it hook line and sinker. And by the way, he did this in a tabloid that has historically humiliated and sexualized her. She continues lots of hand wringing and Britney's exes interview about how hard it must be for their kids to see her censored nude pictures on social media. Considering all the other uncensored nude photos online that were taken and published without her consent, not to mention years of nude photo shoots for magazines and music videos. I think this is disingenuous. There's also the implication that high schoolers could bully Britney's kids because of her recent photos. With this logic, anyone who does sex work or modeling shouldn't have children because they could be bullied. It's just blaming Brittany for other people's misogyny. So I'll link that thread so that you can read it, she gives photo evidence or links to what she's speaking to directly. So that's really helpful to know that she's referencing actual documented quotes or facts around Britney Spears, and her acts to prove her points. But I wanted to just like give my take with regard to what this says about moms and our sexuality and our bodies when they are not being used for our children. And our I guess I'll just say it just really got me thinking about who gets to be a mother, according to our society, like who gets to be a mom and be accepted as a mom, if I can even say that, because I don't think anyone is safe from this kind of critique. But the Britney Spears example, is especially helpful to us because I was just remembering that, for example, Jennifer Lopez just had a photoshoot where she was nude in her shoots. I call this shoot strategic nude shoots, but she is not wearing any clothes. And she, she posed that way for photo shoots to celebrate her 50th birthday, and publish those through I believe her newsletter or a publication I can't remember. But I'm not criticizing her for doing that. But I think it's interesting that I don't remember reading anything when that came out. Criticizing Jennifer Lopez for posting pictures like this when she has young children who are going to be bullied in school, because she's posting uncensored nude photos of her body. And to go back to the Twitter thread that I shared. Britney Spears has taken nude photo shoots, she's appeared nude in music videos, and simulated being nude in performances and all kinds of stuff. And that seems to have been okay, especially if you're asking her ex husband because he didn't speak out about those or cite those as problematic pictures. But when Britney Spears was freely taking her own selfies of her body and placing emojis over the parts that you know need to be censored. That's embarrassing to her children and a cause for potential harassment of them by their peers.
Jackie Leonard 13:21
The first thing I thought when I read that headline was even if her children did say that they were embarrassed of those photos, what is being communicated around them about their mother about women? It just seemed to me like these children are growing up in a culture of misogyny supported misogyny I know that it exists, whether we like it or not, but that that household or the grownups that they're exposed to the things that they're influenced by seem to bend in that direction, which is unsurprising considering their whole lives pretty much they have witnessed their mother not being considered capable of making decisions for herself. But to extend the story to all of us, it really got me wondering why our sexuality is the sexuality of mothers the ways mothers choose to use their bodies, away from their children are considered indicative of the type of mother they are or their ability to mother. If I like for example, if I were to take nude photos of myself or dress in a certain way that was revealing. I don't see how that has anything to do with the type of mother that I am. And yet, this story is essentially telling anybody who's reading or exposed to that story, that it is not okay to be a mom and publicly expose your body or your sexuality because then it could be subject to embarrassment of your children like what's like that's like one of the worst things that you can imagine is that your children suffer as a result of your own actions. I believe this is something that's Kanye West, used against Kim Kardashian, at one point when he was on one of his tangents around their children. And like I said, I'm not speaking to the individuals, specifically, when I bring this up. It's always really telling to me when I go into the comments and read what people say, because that's where you see what your everyday person might have to say about that situation. And that's always, to me more upsetting than the news story that inspires that commentary. So that's just something to think about, you know, the message to me as if you are a mom, you cannot sexualize or reveal your body in a way publicly, and still be a good mother. But keep in minds, as with all mothering rules, there's inconsistencies and glaring hypocrisy because as we all know, there are actresses and models and musicians who have done this and never been directly targeted as being an embarrassment to their children or a bad mother. And so to me, the the message is really like if you are freely showing off your body, or being sexual publicly, for no other purpose than to just be free and do it because you want to. That's a problem. If you're doing a nude scene and critically acclaimed movie or a photoshoot with a well respected photographer, we have no problem with that. So as I shelve the Britney Spears story for now, coincidently and next to it is one about Princess Diana which, around the same time, I started to hear about a new documentary about Princess Diana called Princess available on HBO Max. I'm not sure that I've seen a Princess Diana documentary in a while if ever, but I read some good things about the documentary and figured I would check it out. I struggle sometimes with documentaries, because a lot of times they feel exploitive, or I have a hard time reconciling how much is helpful or harmful with handling real stories, especially stories of people who are no longer alive, and died in horrific or untimely ways. That said, I will say on the whole, I really appreciated this documentary because what's special about or felt really unique and compelling in my watching of it was that it's exclusively videos and audio compiled from the past. So it felt really like a scrapbook or a collage of history put together in a certain way to tell Princess Diana story, and critically examined the culpability of the public and the media in her in her death. But specifically, I
Jackie Leonard 18:19
wanted to point out a scene in the documentary around Diana as a mother as her marriage was unraveling. And as she became an even bigger tabloid spectacle, what was really compelling or at least the way that the documentary framed it, what really stood out to me was that the the royal family and Diana's critics really got upset whenever she spoke up or whenever a publication tried to present her side of the story. That's where the outrage really lied. And I had to go back to Britney Spears, I see a lot of parallels between their two stories because you have a mother of two two boys, whose behaviors and the things that she struggles with, and the choices she makes and the way she chooses to express herself and share her story are considered problematic. For people who don't know I'll share a little bit of background on Diana and want to give a content guidance for anybody listening in a few minutes I'll share about eating disorders and suicide, said a few points of that documentary were reminded that Diana herself has admitted to multiple suicide attempts and eating disorders and an unofficial biography, written by Andrew Morton which we have come to know Diana did not directly admit to being involved in that book but did give her friends and family at the okay to cooperate with Andrew Martin for the book. One of her suicide attempts included throwing herself down a flight of stairs when she was three months pregnant, she admitted to feeling horribly neglected and alone and depressed. The book details her struggle with bulimia. And I'm not sure right now if she struggled with it before being a part of the royal family, but it did become exacerbated greatly. And seriously, after her marriage to Prince Charles, with what we know now, it's probably pretty clear that both Princess Diana and Britney Spears suffered from some levels of postpartum mood disorders. And in both cases, we have seen how people responded to both of their behaviors after having children. So like I said, what that documentary of what made it really compelling was that there was no real narration or there weren't people brought in for new interviews, or new hot takes, or soundbites, all of the audio was often put over video footage. And at times, I was done so perfectly. It was it was eerie, to see such negative commentary about Princess Diana, for example, with videos showing her going into hospitals and meeting with people and holding children and all the things that she was doing in her humanitarian work or spending time with her own children that were commenting on her directly as a person. In one of those sound bites of the documentary you hear from a person who you assume is connected to the palace in some way, maybe they're just a commentator of some sort. But basically, they call Princess Diana ill, and that she has a sick mind, and that the palace and the prince know that and basically are not giving any credit to her criticism of them. So this is criticism about Diana, after an unauthorized biography is released. So for all people know, she wasn't involved in it. And there was another soundbite around not believing the story like how could somebody really try to commit suicide five times, I don't think she would want this story out there. I don't believe it. So minimizing the experience as well, and dismissing the seriousness of her depression and what she's going through. Later, after Prince Charles and Princess Diana formally separate. She goes on to do an exclusive interview with the BBC. And this interview, she admits to her struggles with eating disorder, depression, she talks about the affair between her husband and Camilla Parker Bowles, where she famously says that there were always three people in their marriage. And she also admits to her own affairs as well. So in response to that, I'm going to read a sound by those played in the documentary that just, it's the whole reason why I wanted to talk about this documentary with you. He literally incensed about her children, and she wants to be close to her boys. And she'll teach them how to throw up so that they don't have to do what they want to. She'll teach them how to stamp their tiny feet, she'll teach them to lie, she'll teach them to manipulate their friends so that the world gets their side of the story. What I think is especially effective about these sound bites is we come to understand that most of them are just from the general public. So this is somebody's reaction to what Diana shared in that BBC interview, which was essentially the first time and I don't know how many years that Diana was able to publicly share her story, after years of tabloids, talking about what was going on with her, you know, unofficial autobiographies, all of these assumptions and rumors about who she was. This was her first opportunity to speak her story. And this is what people were taking away from it. The message being What kind of mother would do this to her children? And also, how can we expect somebody who has bulimia who has admitted to attempting suicide to somebody who has suffered from depression? How can this person someone who admits to mental illness and disorders be a mother? And you know, it reminds me of that, that quote, or the thing that you see all the time, often regarding sexual abuse allegations, that will be something like, you know, the celebrity that you're commenting on and not believing isn't going to see your tweets, but your friend who has been abused? Well, the takeaway being I mean, obviously we know that Diana was affected by the comments about her obviously we know Britney Spears has been affected by the comments about her but even If they were not all these things that we are saying about both women and their abilities and capacities to mother, because their very real traumas and mental health disorders and challenges have been made public, oftentimes first out of their control without their consent, and about 10 to 20 years separate both women's experiences in the public eye, I would say now 30, because we're talking about Britney Spears, his capacity to be a good mother, in 2022, when this was going on with Princess Diana in the late 80s, early 90s. So what message does this send to the moms back then, and the moms of today who are struggling with very real, very common postpartum depression, generalized depression, eating disorders, who are trying to overcome everything that comes with all that, while parenting, and then on top of all of that, being aware of the stigma and the judgments, they face, probably on a daily basis, from friends and family and people, they don't even know schools, physicians, people at the grocery store, or their parents, even people that have no idea what they're going through. But just knowing that they do not fit the mold, or are unable to live up to the expectations that we as a society put on mothers. So I'm going to pivot now to the sports world. And funny story is I wanted to talk about this recent story I've been seeing in the headlines regarding Tom Brady, and Gisele Bundchen. But I also really wanted to talk about Serena Williams and I was feeling pressed for time. So I decided to talk about Serena Williams instead and was reading her recent essay that she published in vogue. It was actually about a month ago, where she announced her retirement from competitive tennis. And I was reading the essay and I got to a part where she specifically points out Tom Brady, and I thought, Okay, I have to talk about them both. So if you're not a huge Serena Williams fan like me, you may not have heard that. Back in August, she announced to be a voc. In a essay that she wrote herself. She announced that she is walking away from tennis, professionally. And moving on to other things, but noteworthy in the essay, she
Jackie Leonard 27:38
makes a point to say that part of her decision and doing this is because she wants to continue to have children and that at her age, at the place she has in her life, she knows that she cannot do both she can't train to compete in tennis, and physically get pregnant and have a child again, I just want to first say that, what I really appreciate I've I've always really been fascinated by Serena Williams the way that she has handled her career and and faced so much criticism and how unapologetically she has been herself throughout all of that. But my my respect for her has grown exponentially since she became a mom because she has used her platform and her voice so much to speak about her experiences as a mother, both in you know, her experience pregnant and postpartum and the horrific birth experience that she had, as well as just how difficult it has been for her to get back to tennis after what her pregnancy and birth did to her body. And also just that push and pull of being a mom, for someone who has been portrayed as being the goat the greatest of all time, just a fierce competitor to have her share that struggle that she faces and be vulnerable in that way has meant so much to me. And also, I know so many others. If you haven't read her essay, I strongly recommend you do it's it's fairly long. But I get emotional every time I go back and reread it and there's photos to go with it and all of that. So I'll link that in the show notes. But I do want to read a specific section where she does talk about basically having to choose between tennis and a family. She says, Believe me, I never wanted to have to choose between tennis and a family. I don't think it's fair. If I were a guy, I wouldn't be writing this because I'd be out there playing and winning while my wife was doing the physical labor of expanding our family. Maybe I'd be more of a Tom Brady if I had that opportunity. Don't get me wrong. I love being a woman and I loved every second of being pregnant with Olympia. I was one of those annoying women who adored being part Agnes and was working until the day I had to report to the hospital. Although things got super complicated on the other side, and I almost did do the impossible. A lot of people don't realize that I was two months pregnant when I won the Australian Open in 2017. But I'm turning 41 This month, and something's got to give, to go back to and speak to the vulnerability that she has embraced at this point in her career, even in admitting her retirement where you might expect some decorated high profile athlete to just exude grace and appreciation for the sport and, and be confident in their decision. This essay isn't entirely competent, and she talks about her frustration for not fully knowing exactly what the right answer is, and if she 100% Is going to walk away from it. But she does know that she can't live her life in the way that she used to before she wanted to be a mother. And also, she is expressing frustration about the limitations of her body or her inability to both be pregnant again, and play tennis. There's so much in that that I relate to and also admire that she was able to speak so openly about and so I had to point that out and highlight it a little bit. But more specifically, what I wanted to kind of use to connect a little bit of what I shared earlier with Britney Spears and Princess Diana. Those stories with what I'm going to share about Giselle Bhushan is this idea that we have expectations for what mothers should and should not do, and the sacrifices that they should make. With Diana and Brittany. It's kind of like you should silence yourself, you should hide yourself or your children. With Giselle, what has been circulating in the news and media over the past couple of weeks has been rumors that there are problems between her and her husband, Tom Brady over his decision to come out of retirement and continue to play football. I believe he's 45 now and I don't know how many years he's been playing but
Jackie Leonard 32:20
he decided to return to football. And there have been rumors like I said that she has not been okay with that decision. It's been caught a source of tension between the two of them. Just this week and interview came out with Giselle Bhushan where she directly addresses some of this. I believe the interview was done before the rumors started to gain some steam. I'm not 100% Sure. But regardless, in the interview, she admits to willingly but having to take a step back from her career to help raise her children to focus on her family and to support her husband's career as they moved and had to dedicate their lives to his football schedule and career ambitions. Such as Elle's interview was with Elle Magazine, and one of the pull quotes in this interview is I feel very fulfilled as a mother and as a wife. And now it's going to be my turn. The beginning of of this article, this interview talks about Giselle bringing her daughter to a fashion shoot in Paris. And it's really positioned the story is really positioned as Giselle returning to work after taking a hiatus to raise her family a interview, she also says seeing my children succeed and become the beautiful little humans that they are seeing my husband succeed and being fulfilled in his career, it makes me happy. At this point in my life, I feel like I've done a good job on that. Later, she says, I have a huge list of things that I have to do that I want to do. At 42. I feel more connected with my purpose. I shared the poll quote earlier. But there's another part to it that wasn't included in the poll quote, she says I feel very fulfilled in that way, as a mother and as a wife. And now it's going to be my turn. It's not like I'm going to be in the valley forever. This idea of that pause or that step back from what she wants to do, describing it as a belly read really sad, but also like I could understand it as well. And without wanting to, you know, psychoanalyze or get into the relationship dynamics of people who I don't know and don't know the real versions of these people. I just I just read a lot of sadness. And I wondered how much is worth celebrating in these words. At the same time, I want to recognize that at being a mom often does mean having to pause and take, take a step back from things that we really want to do. I know that I've had to do that myself. But to see that she admits to doing that not just for her children, but also for her husband was a little hard to swallow for me, or just to make me feel a little sad. And I wondered if she really is able to do that now, or if she's going to have another false start, because of her husband's choice to return to football. And yet, in her quote, I'm like unpacking so much from such little words. But I do also think that there's something to be said about how she admits to being 42, and having so much more clarity around what it is she wants, and her purpose. And I wonder if that pause that she took, the break she she took from her career might have been welcomed might have been something that she needed to do at the time to refocus and reprioritize and think about what she really wanted to do in the future. That the wisdom that she'd gained, while mothering while taking that break for herself, helped fuel something that's going to come in the future, that's even better than what she was doing back then. And part of the reason I've been saying that I don't want to emphasize these specific people is for anybody who knows about Giselle Bucha, and we know that she was, at one point, the most popular supermodel in the world, I think she was the highest paid supermodel in the world at some point. So she definitely lived a full career, and was very successful in it before she took this break, and settled down with her family. She admits to being very happy and satisfied with that decision and proud that she was able to be very actively involved in raising her children. And maybe the sadness that I expressed feeling is really around just that systemic expectation of having to literally pause your life, pause your ambitions, pause the things that make you feel like you in order to care for your child.
Jackie Leonard 37:15
The last pop culture reference that I wanted to talk about was regarding genomic hernias memoir, I'm glad my mom died. So I want to say right off the top that I don't think I'm going to get too into this book right now, because I haven't read it. And the subject matter of this book, I feel like necessitates a deeper dive. But I do want to address it, especially in relation to the previous stories about motherhood that I shared. I know a lot of people who listen, have been reading this book are very curious about this book. It's gotten a ton of attention, and also has sold like a ton of books, I think it's like set records for how quickly it's sold out. It's print runs. I've been talking a lot about the ways that we criticize mothers, and how often contradictory it is, or the mixed messages around the ways that we set roles for how to mother and what a good mother and a bad mother is. And I also want to point out how, on the flip side, there also exists this unspoken rule about speaking out in a negative way about your mother, something that I find really fascinating, and really unfortunate. And that I'm hoping, and I've seen with this book and other books in this realm. We are starting to be more aware of and ask these these questions of why why is it this way? Why is it so much easier and acceptable in public and in society, to condemn father figures, but not mother figures. And as I say that aloud, it feels really contradictory. But for anybody who has followed that Jeanette McCarty, book, press or media attention around it. It is a very controversial book in a lot of ways, especially with the title of the book, which is I'm glad my mom died. For people who don't know Jennette McCurdy she was a Nickelodeon child star in the early 2000 10s. I believe. I'll just read the book synopsis. A heartbreaking and hilarious memoir by iCarly and Sam and Cat star Jennette McCurdy about her struggles as a former child actor, including eating disorders, addiction and a complicated relationship with her overbearing mother and how she really took control of her life. Even as I read that synopsis I kind of did like a little like, I don't know if I like that because she definitely had a complicated relationship with her mother. And the way she's described as overbearing, didn't sit well with me because her mother was horrifically abusive.
Jackie Leonard 40:08
Just I listened to a podcast, summary slash review of this book. Shout out to one of my favorite podcasts currently celebrity memoir book club, each week to comedians read a celebrity memoir and talk about it. Their whole tagline is we read the book, so you don't have to. Anyway, based on the summary of this book that I heard on that podcast, there are countless examples of abuse in this book that she suffered at the hands of her mother. And so yeah, complicated relationship with her overbearing mother doesn't sit well with me. But I will say, regardless of the way that that synopsis was written, this book by its design, and subject matter is and was going to always be a polarizing book. And I think one of the things that makes it controversial is that her mother is dead, and her mother died of cancer. So there's a lot of stigma around speaking out and speaking badly about somebody who is no longer living. You we've heard the common phrase like they aren't here to defend themselves. It's not right. Instead of acknowledging the obvious, which is she probably couldn't write this kind of story unless her mother was dead. And we've seen this often with memoirists, they admit that they would not have written about their upbringing, or what happened to them until the person who hurt them or the story was about is no longer living. As I shared earlier with, especially Princess Diana's example, we've seen what happens when people get honest about something that happened to them, and the other people involved are still alive. So in a lot of ways, it's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation when it comes to speaking openly about things that have happened to us in our past that others consider private. I think there's a lot of people out there who have opinions about what should or shouldn't be shared publicly, what should be kept behind closed doors. What's considered respectful or disrespectful with regard to sharing stories around parents or elders, or people who are no longer living. And to me, a lot of it just sounds like excuses for silencing people and avoiding uncomfortable, difficult conversations. And I think that extends to stories about problematic mother's stories that people have children of abusive mothers, neglectful mothers, just any criticism of people's mothers is something that as a society, we still don't want to address or acknowledge.
Jackie Leonard 43:01
The last thing I want to talk about and highly, highly encourage you to take some time to read in full is a New York Times op ed that was published on August 26, written by Chelsea Connor boy, and Chelsea is a journalist specializing in health and the author of the forthcoming book, Mother Brain, how neuroscience is rewriting the story of parenthood. That book actually sounds really interesting, especially because this essay is an adaptation of what appears in the book. The title of the essay is, maternal instinct is a myth that men created. And the reason I wanted to include this essay, with this episode, and with all the other stories that I've shared around motherhood is, I really did feel like the three stories specifically about mothers and their actions. So the story about Britney Spears, Princess Diana, Serena Williams, and Giselle Bundchen, are all contending or all of these women were contending with this myth of maternal instinct, and to go further the maternal responsibilities and expectations that are put on us, all of us who choose to mother, historically, and science has told us that when we become mothers or that as as women, we have this natural instinct, or there's something innate in us, that makes us more nurturing that the highest level of actualization as a woman is to become a mother that is us, fulfilling our biological duty, even though we don't say that as overtly today, the implications are there that as mothers we are more naturally inclined. to be better at multitasking or caretaking, or all the things that fall under the scope of mothering, which implies that other parental figures, fathers were not built to do those things. So even though socially we've recognized that there should be some more involvement of fathers under the surface, there's still that pass that mothers can do more, and fathers should have some grace because biologically, they were never designed to do as much as mothers do. What's so great about this essay is that it walks you through the history of what led up to this myth that she identifies. It's an op ed. So you don't necessarily have to entirely agree with her opinion. She takes a pretty hard stance. But I find it so compelling how she really go walks you through from Adam and Eve, and the Virgin Mary, all the way to present day and how gradually, it has evolved, but continued to solidify this, this notion of maternal instinct that women are born with. In the essay, she says, new research on the parental brain makes it clear that the idea of maternal instinct is something innate, automatic and distinctly female is a myth, one that has stuck despite the best efforts of feminists to debunk it from the moment it entered public discourse. To understand just how urgently we need to rewrite the story of motherhood. How very fundamental unnecessary this research is, it's important to know how we got stuck with the old telling of it. And then, like I said, she proceeds to give just example after example, throughout history of not only the biblical religious influence, but also science and psychology up to present day. I'll read one more excerpt and then just encourage you to read it in full yourself. Throughout the 20th century, at chorus of psychoanalysts, psychiatrists and child development experts, declared mother love to be as important to the emotional development of children as vitamins are to their physical development. As the historian Marga besito writes in the nature and nurture of love, where before a mother's role was seen as encouraging her child's capabilities through education and good child rearing. Now, experts insisted it was a specific kind of love that only a mother could give, that would determine a child's future, and idea that would grow roots and fuel maternal guilt for generations. As you know, so much of season two has been around getting to the root of mom guilt, and this essay directly addresses it. And what I especially appreciate about the essay is that she also adds, we become good at protesting the parts of this story that feel wrong to us. But we haven't replaced it not yet. And to be honest, I feel like I've arrived at this place myself, I feel like I've spent months talking about different stories, either through movies or television shows, I've been talking about pop culture and things that I'm reading in the media about motherhood. And I'm left in that same place where I've become good at pointing out what doesn't work, what feels wrong. And I think as a society, we're getting better at pointing out those things that are wrong. But we're not quite yet seeing enough replacement, enough actions that are meaningfully undoing the wrong we're seeing. I think on a micro level, we're seeing that right, like mother scope is putting out stories weekly, written by moms that are heartfelt, and vulnerable and honest, and relatable, and unique. And I know of so many other people who are doing things. Similarly, for motherhood and for other marginalized groups out there who need more voices, but they're not breaking through. Not yet. We haven't replaced the problematic narratives. And that's what I really feel ready for at this point. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop being a motherhood and culture critic. But I would love to feel like I could spend more time highlighting the stories replacing the bad stuff, the problematic outdated narratives. And I guess that's a teaser for what's to come with this podcast.
Jackie Leonard 49:45
Before I go, I do have a writing prompt for you. If you're new to the podcast, I like to end always with the writing prompts as a way for you to digest and apply what we've talked about today, to your own life and your own experience. This week's prompt is replace one of the wrong motherhood narratives shared in this episode. Britney Spears Princess Diana, Giselle Boone Shin with your own story, which did you connect with the most and why? What part of that story isn't often heard? See you next week.