All on a Winter Walk
BY KELSEY CICHOSKI
Photo Courtesy | Kelsey Cichoski
Sunlight was beaming through the window for what felt like the first time in months. There was so much for me to do around the house, yet I couldn’t stop noticing the warmth of the sun each time I walked past our kitchen window. I wanted to get caught up on dishes and laundry, and let’s not even talk about all the packing that needed to happen for our upcoming move. But the sunshine!
I paced through the house, unable to focus on any one task. Tired of thinking of my dreaded to-dos, I surrendered to the warming weather. I grabbed the stroller and announced to my toddler, “We’re going on a walk. A LONG walk!” Excited to see my hands on the stroller, she ran to grab her coat. Clearly, we needed some fresh air.
Bundled up in our coats and with hats covering our ears, we marched off. Snow was surrounding us on all sides, but the sun had been out long enough to clear the sidewalks and roads, which left us a clear walking path.
Maybe it was my success in procrastinating, or maybe being outside for the first time in too long was getting to me, but I decided I wanted to try a path I had never tried before. I had no idea where it would lead us, but the path was clear and it looked like a pretty walk. Seemed like a good idea to me!
My daughter loves walks. I could hear her babbling as she took in the new scenery. I wondered what this walk was like from her perspective. She didn’t know where she was going, but was continuously being guided into new discoveries. I liked the thought of that perspective.
I felt awe as I looked around us. Is this what I had been missing out on all winter? It had been way too cold for me to even think about walking outside. The glistening snow banks, sparkly trees, and frozen river made the area around us seem like a real-life Winter Wonderland.
We continued to follow this newly discovered path, not knowing where it would lead. The unknown destination added to the wonder that I felt. I wondered how long we would be outside and was glad we had dressed warm. I also wondered where we would end up! It felt exciting.
After passing a couple of fields and crossing a few bridges, the busy town life could be heard before it was seen. As if we hadn’t just taken a glorious stroll through fields, rivers, and trees, the mysterious path dumped us off in the middle of the town’s main shopping area. The sound of cars felt abrasive after walking through such stillness. I debated where to go from here. My choice was certainly not the busy road, so we turned around and started to head home the same way we came.
I surprised myself with the disappointment I felt, now knowing when our walk would end. I tried to soak in every moment, trying to ignore the thought of the packing that awaited me at home. We had been away from the house for quite some time and, with no one else on the path, I wondered if my daughter would like to run around.
“Yeah!” she shouted when I asked her if she wanted down. As I lifted her out of the stroller, her legs began to kick with excitement. Her feet hit the ground and she started running. I smiled, feeling proud that we were spending a morning together exploring the outside.
As I watched my daughter run back and forth, seemingly amazed by the sparkly snow, I remembered something my therapist had shared with me the week prior: As I take care of my daughter’s emotional needs, the potential is there for me to fulfill the emotional needs of my own inner child.
It hit me. This was the perfect opportunity for me to try out what she was saying. Maybe here is where I could practice getting to know my inner child.
My daughter sat down along the walking path and started kicking the crunchy snow. She giggled as she discovered that what was once soft and fluffy snow was now immovable, despite her hardest kicks. I followed her lead and sat down to kick the crunchy snow. It was much harder than I expected! It had been frozen on that field for months.
My daughter stood up from kicking the snow and wandered to the middle of the open path. With arms open wide, she began to spin in circles. I laughed, and then joined her.
After kicking and spinning and running and playing, we resumed our walk as if the play session was just a routine part of our walk.
With my daughter back in the stroller and our direction headed back towards the house, I began to reflect on what had just happened. Any onlooker would have seen a mother playing with their daughter, but they wouldn’t have been able to feel what I felt. Spinning in circles, playing, giggling – it all brought back feelings that had long been dismissed. Feelings of childhood resurfaced for me. I felt the joy of being free of a schedule and I didn’t feel weighed down by a self-made list of to-dos. I felt the satisfaction of dropping everything without any concern of how my plan might be affected. To put it simply – I felt really, really happy.
I left my house that morning to go on a long walk, but it turned into something more. Simply playing with my daughter turned my morning into one of discovery, joy, and healing.
Tears began to fall as I realized what had happened. It was true – by giving my daughter what she needed, I was meeting my own needs as well. We made it home and I pulled out a journal and pen. I didn’t want to ever forget what that morning walk felt like for me.
KELSEY CICHOSKI is a mom to a baby boy in heaven and a little girl on earth. She's a former teacher, former foster parent, and is navigating life after cancer and the many other twists of life that keep on coming. She currently resides in Idaho.