Raising the Future
By Holly Ruskin
Photo Courtesy of Holly Ruskin
I have a t-shirt and it says, ‘Raising the Future’. It came with a card with the same slogan and the day it arrived I slotted it into the full-length mirror in our bedroom. Every day when I get dressed, usually while my daughter clings to my legs or demands to be involved somehow, my eyes skim over that card. Sometimes I read it word for word, and I remember what it means, but more often than not there’s no time for it to embed itself in my conscious mind. Some seasons of motherhood are tougher than others and, in the same way, some days are like their own self-contained storm. No time for anything as luxurious as reading and really seeing what’s in front of you.
But I do see those words and I remember what they mean. Because when you’re a cycle breaker and a mother, every day is a reminder of your work. Each time I respond with grace, reach out with love and resist my triggers, I feel it like a nudge to my back. A gentle prod as though saying to myself “that’s it, gently does it”.
I am 37 years old and a woman who is reeling from only now really seeing her childhood and all its trauma. I’m doing the reading, journaling, breathwork and self-care in small doses. It has to fit around all the other things I’m doing and honestly, right now it often has to slot in alongside my pain. Fear, exhaustion, guilt. As a mother, my life is a patchwork of emotions and I feel heavier than ever before. There’s the weight of responsibility now and it’s not just about making sure my daughter is okay.
It’s about looking after myself too. Healing the wounds and stopping the trauma in its tracks. Future proofing for the children my daughter may or may not decide to bring into this world. That’s what cycle-breaking really is; bearing the burden of creating a kinder, more open and accepting future for more than just yourself or your own immediate family. This work is for everyone.
So even though I know ‘Raising the Future’ is my reminder to consciously mother my daughter, it’s also the nudge I need to recognise that I’m also re-mothering myself. And so much of what we do as parents – but mostly mothers – is overlooked and underplayed by a society that would rather we do it all quietly. Reproduce without requiring anything. Usher in new generations but in hushed tones. Heads bowed and eyes down so that we might prioritise the broken system over asking for help to build a better one.
Inter-generational trauma is becoming a recognised field of study in psychology and I read about it far more now than I did even two years ago when my daughter was born. Slowly, slowly there are pockets of people who are looking back in order to more safely move ahead. And I would wager that most of these people are parents, because nothing (NOTHING) has the power to make you more painfully self-aware than having children. But acting on that awareness is a choice you end up having to make every single day.
Recently I told my husband that I wanted to retrain as a therapist and that my goal would be to specialise in helping women and girls. I can pinpoint the moments in my childhood that were turning points, where my future spun on a dime and refracted versions of me I imagine would be far less broken than I feel today. If we want to create real, meaningful change then this starts with helping those who will go on to bear our children. Those whose bodies carry the trauma of existing in an oppressive system that keeps them an enemy of themselves. A trauma they learn and inherit.
So raising the future has actually become my reminder to live consciously. Create with intention. Work with purpose.
That slogan has expanded my definition of mothering and allowed me to find meaning in the mundane. Because it’s in the smallest, quietest acts of love where I have found my biggest and most deafening inspiration to raise the our future.
HOLLY RUSKIN is a mama and lover of women’s words. A freelance writer and Film lecturer, her work includes editing books and screenplays, writing essays and poetry. Holly co-founded blood moon POETRY, a small press that publishes poetry written by women @bloodmoonpoetrypress. Her words can be found in various publications; a collection of her poems on motherhood have been featured in the Amazon bestseller Not The Only One. She writes for Motherscope and Sunday Mornings at the River. Connect with her on Instagram @hollyruskin_.